I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 47 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."
__________________

 

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had called in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee’s home number and was greeted with a child’s whisper, “Hello?”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I speak to him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mummy there?”

“Yes.”

“Well may I speak to her, then?”

Again the small voice whispered,”No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak to the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman,” came the whispered reply.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked, “What’s that noise?”

“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.

“What's going on there?” demanded the boss, now really apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team has just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME!”
__________________

 

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

 

Blind dating? This approach is worth a try.


https://www.youtube.com/embed/_CwHrJt8Oz8?rel=0

 

Sure enough, not into 'blind dating BUT THIS was TOO FEKKIN FUNNY!

.

 

For the cat lovers.
CLICK

 

My Private Part Died

You need a sense of humor to work in a nursing home ~ that is for sure.

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was
anything wrong

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am
very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little
forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was
walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she
said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that. Please put your
Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr..
Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell
me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing."

 

I loved this!

 

Holy Cow!!!!

 

Please help! I need to find a good deal on a dipstick. Mine doesn't reach the oil any more

 

Probably just the end broke off.
No problem, just add oil 'till it's up about an inch on what's left.

 

Hey Frank, do you put oil in yours LOL

 

Drain the old oil out, if you don't put new oil back in you will not have to worry about draining old oil out the next time...

 

Once upon a time the past, the present, and the future ended up in the same bar at the same time.


IT WAS TENSE

 

The replenishment method worked fine in my '39 Ford. But, I won't try it in the Crossies.
Never more than 5K on the oil since I bought them.

 

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper em.
When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!
Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

 

I used work at a funeral home during College. Still do from time to time. Patients are easy and the money is good.


When I work there I tie the shoelaces of the dead together. It's keeps the body aligned during rigimortis.


I smile every time I do this because if there is ever a Zombie Apocalypse, it is going to be hilarious as hell.

 

I drive a battered old '95 Dodge one ton truck. Great truck but 22 years of driving it hard and putting it away wet shows. For my last birthday I hinted to the wife I wanted a magnetic sign to put on the tailgate to read



"I drive this piece of junk
so I can afford the insurance
on my Chrysler Crossfire"


I got instead an old SAM ADAMS beer sign from a bar in Boston. I'm fine with that. but I'm not putting it on my truck

 

Question:
If you’re Russian when you’re going into the bathroom, and you’re Finnish when you’re coming out of the bathroom, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?

Answer:
European!