Made my wife chuckle.

 

Daylight savings time tonite. Don't forget to move clocks ahead one hour.


We are also supposed to check our Smoke Detectors & change the batteries.




Also, while you are at it remember that with Spring coming, it's time to reverse your battery cables so the AC comes on instead of the heat.

 

Franc, someone is gonna try to do that since you are such a reliable source of wisdom.

 

Yeah right. I'm challenged on most every "how to" post I make.


My luck someone will believe this.
And if they do, they should not be driving a Crossfire.

 

Rest assured, if they DO, they will NOT be driving a Crossfire anytime soon.
( except maybe like the dying kid's daddy in the movie 'The Rainmaker' )

 

Li'l Johnny.


"Teacher," announced little Johnny, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Johnny?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Johnny. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"


__________________

 

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and breasts that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, What would you like, sir?
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, A quickie.
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, What would you like, sir?
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, a quickie, please.
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'.
__________________

 

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . .. . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

 

Nice one 180!


Doc had to make a decision right? On a somewhat related thought....;




Be decisive!
right or wrong,,,; make a decision. The road is paved with squirrels who could not make up their minds!

 

Little Johnny was early to, and in Church for the 8:30 mass. The Priest came by as Johnny was reviewing the plaque on the wall, seeing him with a troubled look on his face, he asked if everything was all right.


Sitting down next to Johnny, the Priest engaged in what he thought would be a deep discussion. Johnny asked who were all those people on the plaque, and the Priest said those were the names of the parish Hero's who lost their lives in the service. Church elders voted on and decided to permanently show all who sacrificed their lives.


Seeing Johnny getting a look of fear, the Priest asked what was wrong? As Johnny got up, the Priest puts a reassuring hand on Johnny's shoulder asking again what was bothering him.


With a look of fear and a tear in Johnny's eye, he quickly asks, Was it the 8:30 service or the 10:00 service?




.

 

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Noreen, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in 302. No one tells me crap!"
__________________

 

A policeman on a horse approaches a little girl on a bicycle and says, “Nice bike you’ve got there. Did Santa bring you that?”
“Yep,” replies the little girl.
“Well, tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” he says, and fines her $5 for it.
The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there. Did Santa bring you that?”
The cop chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”
“Well,” says the little girl, “next year tell Santa that the d–ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

 

Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.” She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.

She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said. “We need the height and she gives us the length!” __________________

 

Five surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no *****, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the *** are interchangeable."

 

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”

“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.

“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.

“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

 

 

 

At Bondi beach, Australian Muslims request BEACH BAN of "BIKINIS" DURING RAMADAN:







AUSSIES REPLY WITH...........









There we go again ---- bowing to Muslim wishes !!

 

I overheard some good advice for guys looking for a steady girlfriend. Chose one that loves houseplants.


After all, she is used to taking care of something that sits around the house all day being absolutely useless.

 

Words to live by when Driving your Crossfire


"if everything seems under control,,, you aren't driving fast enough"
Mario Andretti