THREE DOGS AT THE VET...

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

"He’s gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

 

Wisdom from Grandpa...

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she'll never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

Foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine's gonna work."

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders.

Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up leaks.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
And remember my motto:

pay the undertaker with a bad check...

 

180: Total trueisms... great stuff...Thanks for sharing...Carl

 

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very
Unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement,
The man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
But some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of Gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the
Last time you played around?She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"

 

Two blonds walking down the street
a man sees them and asks if they are sisters
they look at each other, confused
and then say,
no, duaaa, we aren't even Catholic

 

180: the stranded on an island joke is priceless!!..Thanks for sharing...Carl

 

Last week, a group of bikers were riding west on I-90 to Sturgis when they saw a girl about to jump off the Fort Pierre Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

 

I cannot type worth a spite as it is. Nut lately, Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

 

Franc: Glad to see you back on the Joke forum... I've missed it...

 

 

I was doing some research with my young granddaughter today and discovered something rather disturbing.


A coyote can reach speeds of 43 MPH. While at the same time I learned that a Roadrunner can just make it to 20 MPH


And then it hit me
My whole childhood was one big lie!

 

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room. And I said to them I never want to live in a vegitative state, dependant on some machine, and fluids from a bottle.... If that ever happens just pull the plug....


They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my scotch!!!
The little bastards....

 

that made me chuckle, thanks

 

Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I'm working on for my Psychology class. When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said, “Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile.”

 

Wife Missing


A husband went to police station to report his missing wife..........

Husband : I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home!

Sergeant :-What is her height ?
Husband:-I really never noticed.
Sergeant :- Build?
Husband:-Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant :-Color of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Sergeant :-Color of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Sergeant :-What was she wearing?
Husband ress/suit/ I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband :-yes.
Sergeant :-What kind of car was it?
Husband :-Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power with an eight-speed triptonic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.……………. at this point the husband started crying...

Sergeant:-Don't worry sir.......We will find your car....

 

…. so this summer my wife and I marked 40 years of marriage, but my wife, feeling the union had lost some of its luster, insisted we see a marriage counselor. I finally agreed and last week we had our first “session”. The counselor sat us down in his office and proceeded to ask my wife her opinion of the problem. My wife offered a litany of perceived shortcomings….”he doesn’t pay attention to me anymore…. I don’t feel loved…. don’t feel I can love…” etc., etc.

After about 10 minutes of this, the therapist came from behind his desk, held my wife in a voluptuous embrace, nibbled on her ear and kissed her……long and passionately. I found this a little strange but didn’t say anything until he looked at me and said, “now THAT is what your wife needs three times a week! Do you think you can do that?”
I told the guy that I could have her there on a Monday and a Wednesday, but on Fridays I go fishing.

I guess it helped because my wife hasn’t scheduled any other appointments.

 

Question:
What is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraft
Over fixed-winged aircraft?"



Here is a clue:


Just remember that a helicopter's blade(in cross-section) is shaped like an airplane’s wing, and both catch air giving lift..now answer the question....


This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft. However, the answer may surprise you.





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I got it wrong, too!

 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill her.

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife”.

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.”

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions:
to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard one after another.

They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said.

"I had to kill him with the chair "

 

A teacher's story about Stuttering






A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.


"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat that stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.



"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.



My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!," but before she
could say '****-off' the Rottweiler ate her!




The teacher had to leave the room.