Humor and Clean Jokes
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Joined: Apr 2006
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From: Ontario
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender ...
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year,said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
"Why didn't you come to see me about thosefears you were having?" He asked.
"Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year,is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck."
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said,"and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Nobodyunder there now."
It's always better to get a second opinion!!!
Last edited by onehundred80; Aug 4, 2019 at 09:44 AM.
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From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
The Woman behind me at the fast food order window was impatient as my order was taking too long. She kept honking and giving me the finger. So I told the clerk I would pay for her food. The Clerk says, "that's very thoughtful of you sir. I'll let her know."
When I got to the pickup window, I showed that clerk two receipts and took her food.
KARMA BABY!
When I got to the pickup window, I showed that clerk two receipts and took her food.
KARMA BABY!
Last edited by Franc Rauscher; Aug 12, 2019 at 09:55 PM.
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From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
Woodstock 50th anniversary was cancelled. Not sure why. But I'm guessing perhaps too many pot heads have died of Drug Overdoses or VD.
Millennials, of course, don't want to get all muddy.
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From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
The wife bought a new toilet brush the other day, put it in the bathroom and told me to use it whenever I made a mess in the bowl.
I gotta say I still prefer toilet paper
I gotta say I still prefer toilet paper
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,504
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From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, But they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married.
Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.
Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love.
I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing.
Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you're only 12.
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, "In Lucy's room.
It's bigger than mine.
We can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable.
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Lucy."
Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five dollars a week
And I get 8 dollars' that's about 52 dollars a month
So that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this.
"Well Billy, It seems like you have everything worked out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have Little children of your own?"
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
One day they decide that they want to get married.
Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.
Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love.
I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing.
Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you're only 12.
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, "In Lucy's room.
It's bigger than mine.
We can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable.
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Lucy."
Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five dollars a week
And I get 8 dollars' that's about 52 dollars a month
So that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this.
"Well Billy, It seems like you have everything worked out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have Little children of your own?"
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
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Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 647
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From: Victor, ny
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
Doug lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Andy, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
His wife replied...... “the ding dong had a paper route”
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Andy, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
His wife replied...... “the ding dong had a paper route”
Last edited by JoeO; Sep 3, 2019 at 07:11 PM. Reason: Bad word
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,504
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From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA - ONLY US CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED APPLY
“Lemon Pickers Needed” read the ad in the newspaper.
Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan , and a master’s degree from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume.
“However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said…
"I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”
She started work yesterday.
I know we are to stay away from politics, but this on mentioned two Chryslers.
“Lemon Pickers Needed” read the ad in the newspaper.
Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan , and a master’s degree from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume.
“However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said…
"I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”
She started work yesterday.
I know we are to stay away from politics, but this on mentioned two Chryslers.
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 25,432
Likes: 648
From: Ontario
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA - ONLY US CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED APPLY
“Lemon Pickers Needed” read the ad in the newspaper.
Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan , and a master’s degree from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume.
“However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said…
"I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”
She started work yesterday.
I know we are to stay away from politics, but this on mentioned two Chryslers.
“Lemon Pickers Needed” read the ad in the newspaper.
Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan , and a master’s degree from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume.
“However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said…
"I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”
She started work yesterday.
I know we are to stay away from politics, but this on mentioned two Chryslers.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,504
Likes: 1,135
From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
So please, can it!
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 25,432
Likes: 648
From: Ontario
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
.
Forum Regular
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 647
Likes: 276
From: Victor, ny
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and, to top it off, it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf and I decided to change the antifreeze in my Crossfire.
I then went to the garage only to find it was too dark to see and the garage doors wouldn’t open. I returned to the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
She seems like a nice person.
I then went to the garage only to find it was too dark to see and the garage doors wouldn’t open. I returned to the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
She seems like a nice person.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,504
Likes: 1,135
From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and, to top it off, it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf and I decided to change the antifreeze in my Crossfire.
I then went to the garage only to find it was too dark to see and the garage doors wouldn’t open. I returned to the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
She seems like a nice person.
I then went to the garage only to find it was too dark to see and the garage doors wouldn’t open. I returned to the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
She seems like a nice person.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,504
Likes: 1,135
From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
I was walking past a farm this morning and saw a sign that said, "Duck, Eggs!"
I thought that was a rather unnecessary coma ,,,; and then it hit me.
I thought that was a rather unnecessary coma ,,,; and then it hit me.
Last edited by Franc Rauscher; Sep 10, 2019 at 01:37 PM.