Paper training our dog Frank

 

Headline News!!!!

Murder at Costco

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie
explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.


The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single
dollar coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.



A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce
department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath
and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.



However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the
store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements
with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.


The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...













"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 in Costco Produce section'.

 

Groan.........and I read the whole thing.

 

The man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder
be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready,
he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.
My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in
the City Center.
Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings
on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize
his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working
man to have accumulated all this property".
The wife replies, "The @sshole had a paper route."
__________________

 

 

The new Plant Manager called the troops together to tell them how he operated and the expectations he had from each & every one of them. His talk was stern with his tone loud & very aggressive. He noticed that there was a young man standing off to the side of the room and it didn't look like the young man was paying much attention to the Plant Manager's talk.

The Plant Manager walked over to the young man & confronted him. "How much money do you make in a week?"

The young man replied: "$400 a week".

The Plant Manager told everyone to stay put & he would be back in a minute to demonstrate how serious he was with his methods. A short while later, the Plant Manager returned and handed the young man some money. "Here is $1200, which is this week's pay & 2 weeks severance. Now leave this company right now." The young man put the money in his pocket & left.

The Plant Manager returned to the front of the room and stated that if anyone else didn't want to follow his demands for performance & behavior, they could leave right now. No one moved. The Plant Manager than asked the group: "What job did that young man do. Who can tell me what his duties were?"

Way in the back of the room, a woman raised her hand. The Plant Manager asked in a stern voice: "so what did that young man do?"

The woman replied: "He brought the pizzas today."

 

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a convention for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer,"she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really,"he said, "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern red neck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said,"I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto,"the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

 

PARAPROSDOKIANS...I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure ofspeech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• WheneverI fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency,notify:’ I put 'DOCTOR.'
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• Iasked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.
• A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
• I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot oftequila.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

 

Do you know who invented the Automobile Air Conditioner System? The Goldberg Brothers

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers,Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford A/C systems show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max-- on the controls!

 

We've seen this before, maxichon put this joke up on this forum 5 years and 6 months ago, everything old is new again. CLICK

 

Yeah, but my posting is different!

 

I thought it was hot when my wife said she was going to go commando,,,,,; until she started chasing me with a bayonet.

 

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says....

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

I liked this one!

 

An oldy BUT a Goody
Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

 

A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups,
Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "Computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

 

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a
donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time
I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that... it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
The practice is unbroken to this date.

Rumor has it, the democrat party...
symbol was born!

 

That would explain a lot. Now that you think about it ; There are quite a few "dumb asses" in politics. rotflmAo.

 

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone -- don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" He replied "Wrong number *******" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.) After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an *******!" and I hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from theTelephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said," That's because you're an *******! "

So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW *******,too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an *******!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two ******** to call. But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called ******* #1. "Hello?" "You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up). "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "I live at 1802 West 34th Street, *******,a yellow house with my black BMW parked in front." He said,"I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

Then I called ******* # 2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello *******," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ***," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. That night, on the Channel 13 late news, I saw two ******** beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, and a police helicopter.

Now, I feel better.

 

Made me grin.