Humor and Clean Jokes
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
Can I just ask everyone for a big favor?
Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that is red or blue and flashing?
Every time I drive by, I think it's the police and have a panic attack. I have to take my foot off the accelerator, toss my beer, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down and push my gun under the seat. It's too much drama.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding
Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that is red or blue and flashing?
Every time I drive by, I think it's the police and have a panic attack. I have to take my foot off the accelerator, toss my beer, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down and push my gun under the seat. It's too much drama.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Central South Carolina
Age: 69
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324 Posts
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
Can I just ask everyone for a big favor?
Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that is red or blue and flashing?
Every time I drive by, I think it's the police and have a panic attack. I have to take my foot off the accelerator, toss my beer, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down and push my gun under the seat. It's too much drama.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding
Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that is red or blue and flashing?
Every time I drive by, I think it's the police and have a panic attack. I have to take my foot off the accelerator, toss my beer, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down and push my gun under the seat. It's too much drama.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding
You can fit a gun under your seat??? .
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
Hah! Now wasn’t that clever?
Senior Member
Senior Member
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
Mostly new to me, maybe not to some.
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football"- John Heisman
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." – Bear Bryant / Alabama
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any."– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Notre Dame
"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney /Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts / Georgia
"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's andEisenhower's." – Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
" Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan /Auburn
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me" He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was; "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC
" If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” - Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." - Darrell Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”
Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.
How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him. Two Texas A&M football players were walking int he woods. One of them said, " Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise"
If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week.
The other half can dress themselves.
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How do you get a former UCLA football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football"- John Heisman
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." – Bear Bryant / Alabama
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any."– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Notre Dame
"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney /Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts / Georgia
"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's andEisenhower's." – Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
" Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan /Auburn
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me" He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was; "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC
" If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” - Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." - Darrell Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”
Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.
How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him. Two Texas A&M football players were walking int he woods. One of them said, " Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise"
If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week.
The other half can dress themselves.
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How do you get a former UCLA football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
Last edited by onehundred80; 01-07-2019 at 01:00 PM.