After I had been married for 53 years, I took a look at my wife and said,
"Sweetheart, 53 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on
a sofa bed and watched a 13-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 21 year-old auburn-haired gal.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 74 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 21
year-old auburn-haired woman, and she would make sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa
bed and watched a 13-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women GREAT? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

 

reasonable woman for a non-reasonable man!

 

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank: "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounce back up.This time, she comes back pretty messed up - she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd!... What the **** is a piñata?!"

 

This was so difficult.....

A cowboy and his buddy walk into a bar....

The bartender says: "What'll ya have?"

The cowboy says: "A wiskey for me and a beer for my buddy donk"

The bartender turns to his buddy and says "Why does he call you donk?"

The Buddy replies: "Hee Haw.... Hee Haw.... Hee Haw....

......He always calls me that..."

 

So Mickey hires a private detective to follow Minnie around because he thinks something might be going on with her. The private detective follows Minnie for a week, then two, then three...He comes back to Mickey and says, "Mickey I have been following Minnie for three weeks and I don't see anything that would make me think she's crazy".

Mickey says, "You dumba** I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy".

 

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

 

Subject: Holy Parrots

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They only know how to say, 'Hi, We're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

 

Doing The Lawn

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

 

Two drunks are sitting in the gutter outside a bar. One drunk has his finger in the others A--Hole. A cop walks up and asks "What the H are you doing?". The one drunk says his buddy has way too much alcohol in his system and he needs to make him throw-up.
The cop responds: sticking your finger up his A-Hole will not make him throw-up
Drunk: It will when I pull it out and stick it in his mouth!

 

The Difference Between Liberals, Conservatives and Texans

Situational Issue: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative's Answer:

BANG!

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

 

Things I’ve Learned While Living in South Carolina

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in South Carolina.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in South Carolina, plus a couple no one's seen before.

Squirrels will eat anything.

Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

“Onced” and “Twiced” are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it’s a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra!

“Fixinta” is one word & used as a verb. Example: I'm "fixinta" go to the store.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then there's supper.

Backwards and forwards means we know everything about you.

'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

We don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

We measure distance in minutes.

We switch our home HVAC systems from "heat" to “A/C" in the same day.

Kudzu is the state flower & tree.

We know what a “gamecock” is.

There is always a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

We install security lights on our house and garage and then leave both unlocked whenever we leave.

We carry jumper cables in our cars... for our OWN car.

We know what "cow tipping" is.

We only cook with four spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete and ketchsup
The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for NASCAR coverage.

The first day of deer season is a recognized holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit is "a little warm".

We experience all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

We know whether another South Carolinian is from the low country, sand hills, or upstate as soon as they open their mouth.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as "goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World".

We describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

Fried catfish is the other white meat!

 

In Clemson, SC, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government. So I told the CIA about my gift. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work. Mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner answers, "Cause he's a liar! He didn't do any of that s**t!"

 

Brain Teaser – Hardware Store

A man is passing by a hardware store when he's notices an item on display. He thinks that every house should have this item. So he goes in to the store and this is the conversation that takes place:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
CUSTOMER: How much is this item?
EMPLOYEE: One quarter each.
CUSTOMER: So it would be 75 cents for 100?
EMPLOYEE: Correct.
CUSTOMER: I'll take 57.
EMPLOYEE: That will be 50 cents.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The conversation makes perfect sense. What is the item?

 

Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go. After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends, Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go, Mike?"

"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply. "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-thru negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!

 

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a convention for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

 

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are, in the road and slowly the driver gets out of his car…and you know how you just get sooooooo stressed to the point that real life stuff sometimes hits you funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it…the driver was a DWARF!

So I get out as he storms over to my car. He looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

…and that's when the fight started!

 

Mailbox letters are 25 cents each. "100" is three numbers and "57" is two letters.

So, that's 75 cents and 50 cents.

 

Correct Answer!

 

A horse walks into a bar, and says to the barkeep.
How about a cold draught ?


The barkeep looks at him and asks.


Why the long face?

 

I find this joke offensive to horse faced people and demand this thread be deleted