Please don't make me re-live those not-so-tender moments.

Let's just say I became an expert in rotating the use of timely headaches and out-of-body transcendental meditation.

For those that care, I'll add a bit more... For the first day and a half, it was impossible to get away from her for even a moment. I was finally able to elude her long enough to sneak to a pay phone (this was pre-cell phone days). I hurriedly called my mother and told her the phone number of the hotel we were in and to call me early the next morning and put on a frantic act about my father having a heart attack and that I was needed home immediately. When the call came, I made sure to hold the phone away from my ear enough so that she could hear my mother's end of the conversation, who I must add won a best supporting actress oscar. I went into my own statuette-winning performance of grave concern and upset. It cost me a hundred bucks to change my flight, but I got out a day early. Once home, I took a long shower using a brillo pad as my luffa.

The kicker is that I met a very nice girl on the plane ride home. I told her the whole story of my time in Atlanta. She was quite amused. Frankly, it was the first time I was able to laugh about it. We dated a couple of times, but the chemistry wasn't there.

Trust me, I've still only scratched the surface of this ordeal.