UPDATE:

What a mess....okay, here goes.

I pulled the battery cables, waited 1 minute, then put the cables back on, positive then ground. I was immediately met with the alarm screaming at me, only THIS time the alarm never reset! It kept going and going. I yanked off the ground cable, and the alarm immediately died.

Pulled out the battery and took it down to parts shop. Tested fine. Crap.

Went back home, put battery back in, connected cables, alarm started, ears began to bleed...

Pulled ground and called dealer. Told him what was happening. He suggested I replace the FOB batteries, just to be sure. If no go, then I'd have to have the car towed in (my expense) and they'd charge me $59 just to look at it. Crap Part 2.

Got batteries, replaced them in the FOB, replaced the cable on the battery, alarm started, dog across street whined briefly then head exploded. I yanked the ground again. Began silently weeping.

My wife, while all this was going on, left a message for my brother to call me (he's a mechanic, though many hours away) and he called at that moment. Told me to suck it up and 'splain, Lucy.

He told me to double-check the fuses again. I looked, and told him I checked all of these and...they...were...go- Crap Part 3: The Revenge of Crap.

The 15-amp fuse in the Radio Frequency slot (30-something) was fried. I didn't have any spares, so I stole the 15 from the slot next to it (glove compartment light/cig lighter). Crossed fingers, toes and eyes, which made it a bit difficult to see the groub cable, but I managed to get it on. Alarm immediately sounded, the stained glass windows in the church shattered, and I quickly hit the unlock button on the FOB. The alarm went dead.

The silence was deafening.

My brother told me to go start the car. Of course! I tried it....nope. I checked that same fuse. Burned out AGAIN. He asked me if there were any spares. I said I had a 20 and a 40 left. He said to put the 20 in there and try again. It started without a problem.

I walked over to the parts store and grabbed a box of 15A fuses, and replaced the two that were missing, putting the 20 back in the spare slots. So far the car has restarted without issue, though - for whatever reason - the FOB will not remote open or close the car, and therefore the alarm remains (blissfully) off. When I do use the key, though, in the driver's side, it does lock/unlock the passenger/hatch/fuel door, so I'm not really missing anything.

Most likely there is a short somewhere. My brother told me to check the ground going to cable. He said it should go to the engine block. I told him the ground cable was about a foot long and screwed into the metal on the inside of the engine compartment. He stopped laughing about 10 minutes later, said a few choice words he must have learned in the Corps, and told me to pull the cable out and check for corrosion. I told him it looked clean, but did it anyway (which naturally required me to pull the battery back off. Whee.) There was a little there, which I wire-brushed off, and then replaced everything.

All (except the remote FOB part) seems to be working. Although it is possible the FOB is working as well. What I refuse to try is locking it remotely. I have work and kids to run to school the rest of the week, and can't be messing with this at 6am in the morning. It may be possible that, if the FOB didn't lock it, then hitting unlock won't "unlock" it. I don't remember this. (Anyone care to try it and let me know? Lock the car using the key in the door, then hit unlock with the remote. Does it unlock the doors?)

No matter what, there is/was something electrically wrong going on. As soon as I can afford it, I'm going to have it checked. My brother specializes in electrical, so it may just mean a drive up to his place one Saturday and crash on his living room floor while he checks it all out....

Thanks again to everyone who replied. If ANYONE has any other suggestions or ideas, please post them here.

Mark