THE CITIZENSHIP TEST

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second
Language class. He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it
correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with
a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting
for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

THE SINKING BOAT

Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their
boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I
don't swim so well." Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from
his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul
toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100
feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could
float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

SHIVA

An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family — wife,
children, grandchildren - came to see him, but only one was allowed in
the room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe.
Can I do something for you?"

"Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her
delicious chopped liver that she made yesterday.

Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe
he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him." Ben went back in
and reported what she'd said.

"You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and
it won't make any difference." Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who
said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is
for the Shiva."

THE PARKING SPACE

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking
for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns
towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I
promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the
holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face
up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

THE MEZUZAHS

A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills. He brings
in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished,
the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put
mezuzahs on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the
decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except
bathrooms and kitchens. He's really worried that the decorator will
chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly. However, when he
comes back a few hours later,

he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction.
He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.

As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're
happy with the job. By the way, I took out all the warranties in the
little boxes and left them on the table for you!"

MEAL TIME ON EL-AL

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al "Would you like dinner?" the
flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

PHILANTHROPY

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent
auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check", replied the guide.

CHANUKAH STAMPS

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."

"What denomination?" says the clerk.

The woman says "Oy vey...my god, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6
orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"

MOISHE

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as
always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the
congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled

him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"

Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."

The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."