Just saw this message thread, and had to chime in. I went through a *really* messy divorce situation too, back around 2004.
I had a slightly different situation than many people though, because I actually took some advice I was given to take advantage of settlement hearings, vs. demanding a divorce trial.
To this day, I'm really not sure if that wound up being the "better" way to approach things, but it definitely saved some money on legal expenses.
Of course, it's not even possible if your soon to be ex refuses to co-operate. But as crazy as my ex was (a classic case of bi-polar/manic depression and possibly another mental issue or two thrown in the mix too), she even got the idea that sitting down across a table at one of these hearings might be worth doing, vs. the costs lawyers want to go to trial.
We had a kid together during our marriage, which obviously made things much more complicated. But during the hearing, she basically said she was fine with simply signing all of her rights away and giving me full custody of our daughter. Unfortunately, the judge who had to review the paperwork we drew up and put his "stamp of approval" on it refused to accept that! He sent it back to our attorneys to modify it, and we wound up doing something where I received primary physical custody and joint legal, with her having the ability to keep her for a couple weeks in the summer (as long as she notified me 30 days in advance), and for a few days around the holidays.
She had already broken in the house while I was at work, cleaned it out, and took/sold everything of value -- and didn't even have a steady job. So my lawyer concluded my best bet was to simply declare bankruptcy and start over from scratch, vs. spending all the money to try to get legal judgements against her for all the stuff, which I was highly unlikely to ever actually get repaid for. Otherwise, a trial would have made much more sense.
These days, she owes me child support (which very rarely gets paid on, in random little bursts), and she moved to the other side of the country and got re-married to some younger guy. She hasn't made a trip to see her kid in years, but randomly calls or emails her here and there, when she feels like "playing mom".
Anyway, all i can tell people going through this stuff is:
1. Plan on it being like someone came up and pressed the "reset" button on your life. You have to approach it like it's a fresh new start, from the ground up. It's hard to see or believe it while you're in the middle of the whole thing. But as the years pass, you'll become increasingly happy you got a "do over". If you learn from previous mistakes, you can really have a better life than you were ever going to have continuing down the road you used to follow.
2. Hopefully your "ex to be" isn't an utterly evil person, but if so? Take the advice of the X-Files TV show and "trust no-one". If she's the one who left and you have property of value you want to hang onto, think seriously about not going to work or anything. Stay home all the time and guard the place. Sounds crazy? Trust me ... there's a great chance you'll lose your existing job by the time the whole thing shakes out anyway, so let it go. This is about starting over COMPLETELY. Meanwhile, since your divorce isn't final, she still has the right to do whatever she wants with the property. Change the locks? She can just kick a window in, and nobody will do a thing. Only thing she can't do is start a fight with you to remove property while you're present.... I lost a really nice sports car I had purchased before we were even married, because she took it and drove it off, and forged my signature on the title for it to resell it. Even after all THAT, I could never get police to do a thing about it. (Their take on it? Yeah, forgery isn't legal but it's too tough a case to investigate and prosecute when it's all part of a pending divorce. Too easy for a family court judge to wind up ruling the car had to be signed over to her anyway in the end, wasting the cops' time and manpower for nothing.)
Originally Posted by
mdaniels4
basically it works like this: having been there done that too. All of the assets are communal property, IL may have some small differences, but not all that much. What you brought in your own name is yours, and no accounting needed, but everything bought after the marriage is considered marital property, house, cars silverware etc. All these assets need to be tallied for value, you may gorgo silverware and towels and stuff, but we're talking the big stuff.
So you want the boat and the Cross and the other car. Ok, you don't need to sell the stuff but there are the assets side, and the debt side, who gets what and all that. In my case, the value of all she got was worth about 44 K more than the value of my stuff. She the house, mine my new truck, etc. After all that tallied with the debt I owed, and she owed, there was 44K to me to balance, so she paid me 22K for basically getting more or better stuff than I did. reduced he balance sheeet by 22, increased mine and everyone's even. As good as it gets. so you want the stuff, then you get to pay her share of the balance sheet somehow in it.
It's an ugly time. My first wife and I don't speak, and that's really a good thing for both of us. Do EVERYTHING you can to ensure alienation, especially of you with the kids does not occur. You might not be able to stop that. In my case I wasn't, her influence was too great, but after 10 years my feelings are alot less raw about it. My kids are all adults and they get to have their life as they want it. Cold hearted to say, but by now I am ok with it, although still it shouldn't be that way. My ex in particular went out of her way to eradicate anything and everything that had to do with me, and that had it's toll on the kids, and they couldn't have a relationship with me, in their minds, as it would then be a betrayal to their mom. So I was sacrificed. So be it.
And just so y'all know, I'm the one that walked, not for another woman or anything else except I couldn't stand to live with that crazy ***** anymore.
She had an odd way of looking at the world and was ALWAYS convinced she was right, because why would she believe in anything if it was wrong? Crazy logic indeed. I literally agonized for 5 to maybe 10 years of that 20 year marriage because I was so guilty about leaving the kids, but by then had convinced myself we could get through it with them. I was wrong because I underestimated her bitterness of being dumped.
My wife now of 5 years is a sweetheart, and I would never have had the experience of her if I hadn't had the experience on the dark side. It does take two to do the dance, so own up to your part and you'll get yourself through this so much easier. PM me if you ever want to walk this thru, bro.