You know what's really crazy? I just turned 29, and AARP has started sending me stuff in the mail. I started getting solicitations to join about a week before my birthday, and have gotten several more since. I suppose my age must have been derived from some statistical genius or industrial/retail marketing think tank, after crunching long lists of numbers on my buying habits. It's accurate to just about 3.6 decades or so, so way to go secret mystery statistician!

Yup, I can imagine the scenario... one too many swipes of my Kroger Plus card. One too many purchases at Amazon.com, when I might have been told that buyers who chose Bill Bryson also may have selected "Travels with Charlie" by John Steinbeck (or at least Bryson would probably like to think so). Extensive records of my endless consumerism were then piped to the thoughtful folks at Chase MasterCard, the AARP, numerous insurance agencies, and of course every major Pizza chain with capability to make glossy direct mail coupons with deals on the weekly pies. Heck, I even get solicitations from gun cleaning schools deep within Wal-Mart country, requesting my attendance for an exciting new career.

Know what? I might just join the AARP. Get a jump start on that whole retirement thing. I would rather not work for the rest of my life anyhow, when I could be living the good life playing golf in Florida and volunteering my time at local hospitals. There might be guilt in the sense that I am not really entitled to it yet, I have not earned it in the moral sense, but oh well. I am not going to live forever, so there is no time to waste on having a conscience. I will tell my employer to kick that pension into gear straight away. Salutations, younger generations. I once was young too, ya know.