So I got my car going after a while. It was a huge hassle having just had my smartphone stolen, so internet access was a good 20 minute walk from where the car was. I went back and forth several times. It was getting late, and I had no tools on hand. Anything I could do was a shot in the dark.

I didn't disconnect the battery, as I didn't have any tools with me aside from a knife I carry everywhere (guess why) and some cheap pliers. Not much help. I began to suspect that the battery in the remote hadn't died, but rather I was dealing with an entirely different issue. I got out the manual, wasn't much help. Looked through all the fuses, and I found that the fuse in cavity 35 is for "Radio Frequency Remote Control" among several other things. I pulled that fuse out. It looked fine. Put it back in. The car started on my first attempt. I imagine this was 100% luck, but figured I should post it anyway. The hand brake (which I always use out of habit) became SUPER stiff. Both going up and down. This hadn't been an issue at all until I got the car to start last night.

So basically what I'm saying is... There is some force of nature that is going to continue screwing things up for me, and I'll probably be back on this forum soon when everything else goes wrong on my car which only has 25,000 miles on it.

Thanks for all the help!