Ready for Thanksgiving Day Family Touch Football:

1: There’s a lot of debate in the NFL about the “Tush Push,” the Philadelphia Eagles’ amazingly effective, butt-shoving fourth-down play. The Tush Push remains legal in the Thanksgiving Family Touch Football Game, but you need to think carefully about what family tushes you’ll be giving pushes, and if you will need years of therapy later.

2: If you see movement in the neighbor’s yard, and a mysterious gentleman wearing maize and blue clothing, carrying, don’t panic. That’s just “Josh Hartnaugh,” the head coach of the “Wichigan Molverines.” He’s technically not supposed to be here; please don’t tell the Big Ten.

3: Also, your cousin brought a new pal: His name is Connor, he went to Navy, fixes vacuums, and knows a startling amount about Purdue’s offensive signals.

4: For the record: Stealing signs is easy in Family Touch Football. Nobody’s hiding them. When Dad puts his hands on his hips and starts wheezing, it’s a sign he’s about to call the game off and take a nap on the couch.

5: Don’t be surprised if an irritated Ohio State coach Ryan Day busts into your game, looking for Lou Holtz.

6: During a break in play, your uncle wants to show you his new watch: it measures heart rate, sleep quality, body temperature, and how many people can listen to him yap endlessly about his new watch.

7: There are two regular outcomes in Thanksgiving Family Touch Football: a sack for a loss, and an interception return for a touchdown. Apologies: those are the two regular outcomes of the 2023 New England Patriots.

8: Pro football has cracked down on roughing the passer, but this doesn’t apply to your brother, who’s still mad you dented his car in the 11th grade.

9: There is no end zone “pylon cam.” There is a wireless security cam, however, which is three years old and your parents still haven’t figured out how to connect to the Internet.

10: I don’t even want to speculate if there will be a Kelce-Swift Family Thanksgiving, much less a Kelce-Swift Thanksgiving Family Touch Football Game. I just want shameless clicks for putting their names in my story and the headline.

11: Absolutely, you may serve a plant-based vegan turkey at Family Thanksgiving. Just don’t expect anyone to throw you a pass, or come to the house, ever again.

12: This year’s halftime show is your Dad talking about his electric car for the 34,000th time.

13: Per tradition, the Detroit Lions play on Thanksgiving, but you can’t make fun of the Lions anymore, because they’re 8-2. Instead pick a few relatives who didn’t show up this year, and make fun of them instead.

14: A few family members chose to celebrate Thanksgiving with their in-laws. Consider this a betrayal, like running off to the Big Ten.

15: Speaking of which: would you and your family care to join the Pac-12?

16: There is a first-ever “Black Friday” game this year: Dolphins at Jets, the day after Thanksgiving. Instead of being miserable spending a nice day at the mall, you can be miserable spending a nice day watching the Jets.

17: It’s unfair to force any relative to play in the Thanksgiving Family Touch Football game. But find them another fun game to play, like Hey, Let’s See Who Can Clean the Kitchen the Fastest.

18: Avoid doing a good job with Thanksgiving dishes. Do a good job, and it’s a lifetime appointment, like the Supreme Court.

19: If someone’s in cleats, someone’s getting hurt. Usually the person in cleats.

20: Someone’s always getting hurt in Family Touch Football. Maybe it’s a sprained ankle, or a busted finger. Maybe it’s the return of a repressed memory, like how your parents took your sister to Disney World on her 10th birthday, and you got a lollipop at the fabric store.

21: Game’s over after the first family member is spirited away in an ambulance. OK, fine, that’s a bit harsh. End it after the second family member departs in the second ambulance. Still harsh? Alright. Next score after the second ambulance drives off, wins.

22: Most Thanksgiving Family Touch Football injuries can be cured by a bag of frozen corn and a bourbon neat.

23: If you can’t fall asleep after the game, just ask someone to explain the 2023 Formula One season.

24: A postgame signature cocktail? Family Thanksgiving has one signature cocktail, and that’s Whatever Mom Wants, with Ice.

25: Yes, ice in the white wine, and don’t be stingy.