Alright gentlemen, here's where we're at:

Swapped the rear CPS (crank) tonight with a brand new Bosch unit. No difference.

New CPS (Camshaft) is installed as well. Still no start.

Inspected the RCM, it looks perfect. All fuses intact and unburnt. Did the old school trick of removing a spark plug and (with it connected to plug wire) laid it on top of the valve cover. Cranked car, and it's definitely getting spark. Noteworthy that when we had the spark plug removed, you could smell the unburnt fuel very strongly. So, she's getting fuel AND spark.

Fuel pump runs until pressure builds up, then stops. So there's nothing preventing the system from pressurizing.

At this point, we're stumped. Replaced every sensor related to timing. All hoses are connected. No fuses are blown. Engine gets fuel, air, and spark.

Still, the end result is "crank crank crank crank crank BURP crank crank crank".

No warning lights, CELs, smoke signals, etc.

Something is telling the car not to start, seeing as it has every key ingredient needed for combustion.