A Good Woman Stands By Her Man No Matter What.
This So She Can Remind Him He Should Have Listened To Her.

 

.


Too funny

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee. This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.


.

 

A.A.A.D.D..
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first..
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all darn day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

 

Someone asked me what I do since I have retired.... Do I have a job ?
I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. My wife told me that when she wants my f***ing advice, she'll ask me for it.”

 

 

A man was getting a haircut before his trip to Rome. He mentioned his upcoming travels, and the barber said, “Rome? Why would you want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re making a mistake! How are you even getting there?”
“We’re flying with American Airlines,” the man replied. “We got a great deal!”
“American Airlines?” the barber said, shaking his head. “That airline? Their planes are old, the flight attendants aren’t great, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying?”
“We’re at the International Marriott downtown.”
“Ugh, that place is terrible! Small rooms, bad service, and it’s way overpriced. So what’s your plan once you’re there?”
“We’re going to visit the Vatican and hopefully get a chance to see the Pope.”
“Good luck with that!” the barber laughed. “You’ll be stuck at the back of St. Peter’s Square, and from there, the Pope will look like an ant. You’re in for a tough time.”
A month later, the man came back for his regular haircut. The barber asked, “So how was Rome?”
“It was amazing!” the man replied. “Not only did we fly on one of American Airlines’ brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, so they bumped us to first class. The food was delicious, and I had the most amazing flight attendants. And the hotel? They had just done a $25 million renovation, and it’s now the best place in the city! They were overbooked too, so they gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well, I’m sure you didn’t get to meet the Pope,” the barber muttered.
“Actually, I did!” the man said with a smile. “As we were touring the Vatican, a Guard tapped me on the shoulder and said the Pope likes to meet certain visitors. He invited me into a private room, and five minutes later, the Pope walked in, shook my hand, and I even got to kneel down as he spoke with me.”
“Wow, really?” asked the barber. “What did he say?”
The man grinned and replied, “He said, ‘Son, I’ve visited many countries, met countless people, and waved to millions from my balcony. But you…I felt for mercy. You must have the worst barber in the world!’”

 

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?" Yes, I do,' said Shawn
'Did you get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
‘She just died and left me everything.

 

 

 

 

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

 

 

 

LMAO, I KNOW a few ppl like this! Ha ha ha ha...


.

 

While watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" in bed, I turned to my wife and asked, "Want to have sex?"
Without even glancing my way, she replied, "No."
"Is that your final answer?" I asked.
"Yes," she said firmly.
"Alright," I said, "then I’d like to phone a friend."
And that’s when the fight began.

 

When the lawn mower broke, my wife kept hinting I should fix it, but I always had other priorities.
One day, I came home to find her in the yard, cutting the grass with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched for a moment, then silently went into the house.
When I returned, I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you’re done, you might as well sweep the driveway too."
The doctors say I’ll recover, but I’ll always walk with a limp.

 

When I went to apply for Social Security, I realized I’d forgotten my ID.
The clerk asked me to unbutton my shirt, and when she saw my silver chest hair, she said, "That’s proof enough," and processed my application.
Excitedly, I told my wife the story when I got home.
She said, "You should’ve dropped your pants; they might’ve given you disability too."
And that’s when the fight began.

 

One morning, my wife stood in front of the mirror, unhappy with her reflection.
"I feel old, fat, and ugly," she said. "I need a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect."
And that’s when the fight began.

 

A confident man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a gorgeous woman. After a quick glance at her, he casually checks his watch.
Curious, the woman asks, “Waiting on someone?”
“No,” he replies smoothly. “I just got this high-tech watch, and I’m testing it out.”
Intrigued, she asks, “Oh? What’s so special about it?”
He grins. “It uses alpha waves to send me telepathic messages.”
“Oh really? And what’s it telling you right now?” she teases.
He smirks. “It says you’re not wearing any panties…”
The woman bursts out laughing. “Well, your fancy watch must be broken, because I am wearing panties!”
The man shakes his head and sighs. “Damn thing must be running an hour fast.”