: My First Condom





I recall my first time with a condom. I was 17. I went in to buy a packet of
condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in
a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and
there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what
they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I
was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and
asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to
see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the
door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it
aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth
open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I
was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down
on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no
longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she
asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the sheet out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out

 

So/...............................this baby seal walks into a club...............

 

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to
express the truth differently without lying.

Below is a perfect example of those teachings:


Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside
her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?
Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!

 

THE CITIZENSHIP TEST

Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second
Language class. He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it
correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with
a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting
for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

THE SINKING BOAT

Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their
boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I
don't swim so well." Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from
his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul
toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100
feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could
float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

SHIVA

An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family — wife,
children, grandchildren - came to see him, but only one was allowed in
the room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe.
Can I do something for you?"

"Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her
delicious chopped liver that she made yesterday.

Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe
he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him." Ben went back in
and reported what she'd said.

"You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and
it won't make any difference." Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who
said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is
for the Shiva."

THE PARKING SPACE

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking
for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns
towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I
promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the
holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face
up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

THE MEZUZAHS

A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills. He brings
in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished,
the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put
mezuzahs on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the
decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except
bathrooms and kitchens. He's really worried that the decorator will
chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly. However, when he
comes back a few hours later,

he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction.
He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.

As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're
happy with the job. By the way, I took out all the warranties in the
little boxes and left them on the table for you!"

MEAL TIME ON EL-AL

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al "Would you like dinner?" the
flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

PHILANTHROPY

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent
auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check", replied the guide.

CHANUKAH STAMPS

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."

"What denomination?" says the clerk.

The woman says "Oy vey...my god, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6
orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"

MOISHE

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as
always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the
congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled

him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"

Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."

The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."

 

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

 

Just found this joke thread --- too funny! Thanks to all who posted!

 

Found out today that i was born with 3 knees

left knee
right knee

and========================================= a weenie

 

Danny don't you have a hy-nee?

 

And a kid-ney

 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

Prayer...

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six year old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads, he said:

"God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us icecream for dessert. Oh And liberty and justice for all!

Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile, he told her:

"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ***, you grouchy old biddy!"

 

from my sisterinlaw .

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said...

.
."FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

 

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’

And that's when the fight started…

 

I asked my wife "Why are you always watching the food channel? Your cooking is still lousy."

She asked me "Why are you always watching the **** channel"...

and that's when the fight started

 

Adult Scrabble...

















Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I



























People who wrote SPINE became doctors... The rest are all my friends...

 

COPPER WIRE


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely sod all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Makes you proud to be British.

 

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine."
Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"
Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh*t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You lost an eye just from bird sh*t?"
Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."

 

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.


When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

 

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best -- because it makes football make sense!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.




"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but

I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."


Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"


"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...


'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

 

An Irishman walks out of a bar.