Humor and Clean Jokes
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,511
Likes: 1,149
From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
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Apparently, an RSVP to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
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Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
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I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have lots of new ideas.
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
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My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.
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I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
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I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test... same thing.
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Apparently, an RSVP to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
.
Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
.
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have lots of new ideas.
.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.
.
I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
.
I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test... same thing.
Administrator / Senior Member / Retired
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,129
Likes: 1,611
From: Aurora , ILL
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really?
Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really?
Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Administrator / Senior Member / Retired
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,129
Likes: 1,611
From: Aurora , ILL
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
Two boys are in the hospital waiting room.
One boy said to the other boy what are you here for ?
The other boy said I'm here for a circumcision...it wasn't done when I was born.
The other boy said WHOA !!!
I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year....LOL
One boy said to the other boy what are you here for ?
The other boy said I'm here for a circumcision...it wasn't done when I was born.
The other boy said WHOA !!!
I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year....LOL
Administrator / Senior Member / Retired
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,129
Likes: 1,611
From: Aurora , ILL
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
I beg to differ because, there is:
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are ... "COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!
between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
I beg to differ because, there is:
When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are ... "COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!
Who's your daddy?
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,511
Likes: 1,149
From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work.