Shampoo Warning !!!!!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

 

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said,
"Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay ," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shlt?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

 

 

 

 

 

A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.
He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men.
"Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the ‘guvmint and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, Mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us: Me, Elmer and Leroy.
I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.
Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just Me and Leroy.”

 

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

 

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug someone in Downtown Savannah night before last...........
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket..
The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..
My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan

She had just bought me that Kimber custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants.
I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.
(That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.

Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station on your credit card.
The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile"
that was parked at the curb ..... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning the President as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider,
the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

 

 

 

 

 

I asked my wife who was better at multitasking. She said Women. Of course.

I told her to sit down and shut up. She couldn't do either. Thereby proving my point.

 

Several cannibals were recently hired by Talk America.

"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised to be good. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.

Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat a secretary!"

 

 

I was walking down the road yesterday and I was hit with a violin! Then I was hit with a tuba! Next I was hit with a trombone!
I'm starting to think this was an orchestrated attack!

 

 

 

NINE THINGS WOMEN WILL SAY......

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.
A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.
(Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
(I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'..
That will bring on a 'whatever'). ( Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.
This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.