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User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

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User: ok, roses

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User: pretty roses

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User : 1fuckingprettyrose

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User: 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeA ccessRightFuckingNow

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I gave my ex-wife a gluestick instead of chapstick for Christmas, she's still not talking to me....

 

A man boarded an airplane in Baltimore with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up , so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think!

 

Ten one liners that might crack your ribs during the Artic Vortex,


#1 In 2008, Al Gore boldly declared to a German audience that “the entire North ‘polarized’ cap will disappear in 5 years.” (Needless to say, that did not happen. In fact, the ice cap in the Arctic actually got larger this year.)
#2 “CO2 is the exhaling breath of our civilization, literally. … Changing that pattern requires a scope, a scale, a speed of change that is beyond what we have done in the past.” (Actually, without carbon dioxide life on earth would not exist.)
#3 “The planet has a fever. If your baby has a fever, you go to the doctor. If the doctor says you need to intervene here, you don’t say, ‘Well, I read a science fiction novel that told me it’s not a problem.’ If the crib’s on fire, you don’t speculate that the baby is flame retardant. You take action.”
#4 During a speech at NYU Law School in 2006, Al Gore made the following statement: “Many scientists are now warning that we are moving closer to several “tipping points” that could — within as little as 10 years — make it impossible for us to avoid irretrievable damage to the planet’s habitability for human civilization.”
#5 “Here is the truth: The Earth is round; Saddam Hussein did not attack us on 9/11; Elvis is dead; Obama was born in the United States; and the climate crisis is real.”
#6 “The interior of the earth is extremely hot – several million degrees.” (It actually peaks out at about 11,000 degrees.)
#7 “There is an air of unreality in debating these arcane points when the world is changing in such dramatic ways right in front of our eyes because of global warming.”
#8 “It would be an enormous relief if the recent attacks on the science of global warming actually indicated that we do not face an unimaginable calamity requiring large-scale, preventive measures to protect human civilization as we know it.”
#9 “The survival of the United States of America as we know it is at risk. And even more — if more should be required — the future of human civilization is at stake.”
#10 “We ought to approach this challenge [of global warming] with a sense of profound joy and gratitude: that we are the generation about which, a thousand years from now, philharmonic orchestras and poets and singers will celebrate by saying, they were the ones that found it within themselves to solve this crisis and lay the basis for a bright and optimistic human future.”


former VP Al Gore

 

That is short and sweet, the best lines are.

 

 

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter , who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"

 

Franc: You definitely missed your calling in this world...your jokes are great...Thanks for the humor...Carl

 

Thanks Carl but truth be told, I stole most of 'em.

 

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and, therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would just be another expensive flying club.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

The three most common expressions (aka famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?", and "Uh oh."



There is also this from the deep south, "Grab on to sumptin and watch dis!"

 

Or, "Hold my beer". That never turns out good lol.

 

I gotta remeber that one,,,for next time.

 

I beg to differ. The most common final saying is not "uh oh" or even the other suggestions. Though they may be precursors, the most common final words are "Oh sh*t" (often truncated).

 

Fortunately, I haven't been involved with enough of those last statement episodes to argue your point with credible validity.

Have you?

 

Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of

Jerusalem , he has a fatal heart attack.

The undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped

home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and

tell him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million

to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this

religious country and you would only spend $100?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was

buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. "We simply

can't take that risk".

 

Oh My Zorro. You have p!ssed off the PC mods for sure

BTW, That one goes in my book!

 

This had to happen.

[IMG][/IMG]

 

Well there was this time in a Corvette at Grattan, doing something in excess of the ton and found myself about 15-20 feet in the air thinking "Gee, I wonder what is going to happen next."

ps the train "All of the beer was in the second car and there was this Giant Armadillo..." (and anyone who understands that has to be a Texican).

 

A man and his wife moved back home to Wisconsin from Arizona .
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was
$2,000.00 a year!!!

When they arrived in Wisconsin , they went to Sven's Insurance
agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in
Wisconsin to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona !!!

Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here is it on the screen, direct from Ole's Wisconsin Fire Insurance
Company , it says:
Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00".

I always did find Wisconsin logic far superior to most others.

 

"The three most common expressions (aka famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?", and "Uh oh."

Interchangeable with "What's that noise"?