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GeneralThis section is threads for discussion that is not related to the Crossfire or other cars. It can be about sports, movies etc. - But NO POLITICS please
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and
then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens !” said the horrified teacher.
What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
Farm Kid reminds me of basic training in San Antonio. Started in a typical South Texas July. Half of the group was from South Florida and the other half from Washington State.
Never finished anything outside, hikes, PT, obstacle course, anything,
Would get started in typical 95 degrees but no humidity. Go for about five minutes and the guys from Washington State would start keeling over and the exercise would be cancelled.
Real Floridians will understand.
been there done that,, when i was at Lackland 1964 the sarge made run the obstacle course twice because i was not sweating,, on the second time around ,,
when i got to the rope over the mud puddle I made sure i missed the rope and fell in the water,, when i got to the end the sarge said "now that's better. as i walked up to him puffing and blowing if he only knew i could have run it 5 times and still get there before the guys that was in my flight.= AF (platoon = army) jim
been there done that,, when i was at Lackland 1964 the sarge made run the obstacle course twice because i was not sweating,, on the second time around ,,
when i got to the rope over the mud puddle I made sure i missed the rope and fell in the water,, when i got to the end the sarge said "now that's better. as i walked up to him puffing and blowing if he only knew i could have run it 5 times and still get there before the guys that was in my flight.= AF (platoon = army) jim
Maybe we met ?
I too was at Lackland in '64, Nov 64 - Jan 65
You couldn't have missed me, I was the really handsome dude from Alabama !
Can someone help me find a post about the "Schitt" family. It was about 1 to 2 months ago. I can't find it here, I spent 3hrs looking, well reading the jokes actually. I wanted to send it to a friend
Maybe we met ?
I too was at Lackland in '64, Nov 64 - Jan 65
You couldn't have missed me, I was the really handsome dude from Alabama !
handsome !! I know why you said that ,,because this is a joke thread LOL<<<< , I was the best looking guy there, ,,ask that girl on the plane,,,even though I enlisted from south fl.. i was really from Birmingham Ala. so we did meet I was the guy in charge , remember,, I even taught the flight how to do about face,, they just couldn't get. so the sarge told me to teach them, if i could then we would get a 4 hour pass to the roller rink and the company store,, yes we got the pass. jim
PS June 64 to Aug. 64 then to Sheppard ABF then to little rock ,,then to Guam,, then to Da Nang then Back to little rock ,,then out. June 1968
'66. Actually was at Lackland in 66, 67, & 69 - Crypto school was there & kept coming back - last time was at the mess hall when a group of rainbows comes in behind me. A1C TI comes over and starts screaming at me about long hair, sloppy civilian clothes, usual rant. I just pull out my ID with SSGT on it & without missing a beat he switches to the basic behind me.
A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of genius.
This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is simply looking for an answer to her questions. How do you maintain a relationship? How do you bring back the excitement of the first date. She wrote a letter to the tech support to find her answers. She sent the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with a response.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!’
'66. Actually was at Lackland in 66, 67, & 69 - Crypto school was there & kept coming back - last time was at the mess hall when a group of rainbows comes in behind me. A1C TI comes over and starts screaming at me about long hair, sloppy civilian clothes, usual rant. I just pull out my ID with SSGT on it & without missing a beat he switches to the basic behind me.
What happened? did we dump the Forum joke thread? Are there children here?
Jeezelouise.
I hope this passes the Censors...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.
No Franc, I found an old thread started by FP back in May 2007 titled "Humor" and merged it together with this already existing thread to combine all the funny stuff
This IS the joke thread you are familiar with
No jokes have been lost or deleted
No Franc, I found an old thread started by FP back in May 2007 titled "Humor" and merged it together with this already existing thread to combine all the funny stuff This IS the joke thread you are familiar with No jokes have been lost or deleted
A man wakes up in the hospital, head to toe in a body cast.
Doc comes in,
"Well Joe, you probably don't remember what happened. You were in a real bad accident.
The good news is you are ok, and your insurance will take care of everything. But we need a decision on something by the morning, or the procedure will fail.
The bad news is your wiener was chopped off in the accident. But like I said, insurance is covering everything. They have the surgery funded at up to $9,000.00.
Here's the issue Joe. It costs about $1,000 an inch for a new wiener. I have no idea how you were before hand. So, here's the issue: If you want a 9"er, and had a 5"er, it may upset your wife. And if you want to cash out a bit, and go with 5", and had a 9"er, that could really upset your wife.
So talk it over with wife, and let me know asap."
Next morning, Doc walks in "so Joe, what is the size you want?"
"Wife and I discussed last night. We are getting a granite countertop."
__________________
In defense of drunkenness,
face it,,,,
Most of us have done some pretty stupid things while sober too....
Look ,,, I'm gonna be 69 in a few days....(really)
I have had this nagging question on my mind for most of my life....
When is this "old enough to know better" thingy gonna kick in?
Last edited by Franc Rauscher; 02-26-2016 at 06:27 PM.
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
