Humor and Clean Jokes
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
The difference between Northern Zoos and Southern Zoos.......
In the North the sign in front of the cage is made of steel with raised letters, and begins with the Latin derivative of the animals name with its characteristics and where the animal is usually found.
In the South, the sign is made of wood, the name is printed by crayon on paper, and is followed by a recipe.
In the North the sign in front of the cage is made of steel with raised letters, and begins with the Latin derivative of the animals name with its characteristics and where the animal is usually found.
In the South, the sign is made of wood, the name is printed by crayon on paper, and is followed by a recipe.
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Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
The difference between Northern Zoos and Southern Zoos.......
In the North the sign in front of the cage is made of steel with raised letters, and begins with the Latin derivative of the animals name with its characteristics and where the animal is usually found.
In the South, the sign is made of wood, the name is printed by crayon on paper, and is followed by a recipe.
In the North the sign in front of the cage is made of steel with raised letters, and begins with the Latin derivative of the animals name with its characteristics and where the animal is usually found.
In the South, the sign is made of wood, the name is printed by crayon on paper, and is followed by a recipe.
Ummm, can you explain the stupidity of those northerners who jumped over barriers at the zoo lately? Stupid is as stupid does, doesn't matter where you come from or live, right? Just saying... .
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
I stumbled onto this list whilst cleaning out my desk today.
Posted for your reading pleasure.
1) Men are not mind readers.
1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl now. If it is up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. That's why it has hinges. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1) Sunday sports are like the changing of the tide, cycles of the moon. LET IT BE.
1) Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it in that way.
1) Crying is blackmail.
1) Ask for what you want. let us be clear on this one; Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work! Just say it.
1) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1) Come to us with a problem only if you really want HELP in solving it. That's what we do, solve problems. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1)A headache that persists every night for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1) Anything we said 6 moths ago is in-admissible in an argument.
1) If you won't dress like Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to be soap opera guys.
1) If you think you are fat, you probably are. don't ask us.
1) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, one of which makes you sad or mad, we meant it the other way.
1) You can either ask us to do something, or, tell us how you want it done. Not both.
1) If you already know how to do it, might be better to just go ahead and do it yourself.
1) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1) All men see in only 16 colors. Peach is not a color. It is a fruit. So is melon. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1) If it itches, we will scratch it.
1) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will take you at your word. We understand you are likely lying but getting to the bottom of the issue is not worth the hassle.
1) If you ask a question to which you really don't want an answer, expect an answer you didn't want to hear.
1) When you go somewhere, whatever you wear is fine,,,; no really, it's just fine.
1) You have enough clothes
1) You have too many shoes
1) I am in shape. Round IS a shape.
The list is numbered in order of priorities. And yes, I know I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. Don't worry, it's like camping out without the skeeter's.
__________________
Posted for your reading pleasure.
1) Men are not mind readers.
1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl now. If it is up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. That's why it has hinges. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1) Sunday sports are like the changing of the tide, cycles of the moon. LET IT BE.
1) Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it in that way.
1) Crying is blackmail.
1) Ask for what you want. let us be clear on this one; Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work! Just say it.
1) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1) Come to us with a problem only if you really want HELP in solving it. That's what we do, solve problems. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1)A headache that persists every night for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1) Anything we said 6 moths ago is in-admissible in an argument.
1) If you won't dress like Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to be soap opera guys.
1) If you think you are fat, you probably are. don't ask us.
1) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, one of which makes you sad or mad, we meant it the other way.
1) You can either ask us to do something, or, tell us how you want it done. Not both.
1) If you already know how to do it, might be better to just go ahead and do it yourself.
1) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1) All men see in only 16 colors. Peach is not a color. It is a fruit. So is melon. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1) If it itches, we will scratch it.
1) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will take you at your word. We understand you are likely lying but getting to the bottom of the issue is not worth the hassle.
1) If you ask a question to which you really don't want an answer, expect an answer you didn't want to hear.
1) When you go somewhere, whatever you wear is fine,,,; no really, it's just fine.
1) You have enough clothes
1) You have too many shoes
1) I am in shape. Round IS a shape.
The list is numbered in order of priorities. And yes, I know I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. Don't worry, it's like camping out without the skeeter's.
__________________
Last edited by Franc Rauscher; 01-02-2020 at 09:45 AM.
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your ***** is under your pillow."
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your ***** is under your pillow."
Re: Lessons in Life
