THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name) or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.
AND one more:
27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

 

 

 

*A Simple Misunderstanding*

A pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and, in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde, with a body that would stop a runaway train, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend - there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth, give me an Amen.

 

Somthin’ Sexy to A Tractor!

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual strip tease in front of an old green John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested...I do somethin’ sexy to a tractor!"

 

 

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual strip tease in front of an old green John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the hell are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested...I do somethin’ sexy to a tractor!"

 

Stole that from dedwards0323 , post 1925 LOL.

 

I’m 77.5.

im wondering how many new friends are old friends

 

Test how twisted your sense of humor is!

 

Now I am starting to LIKE sunroofs... Cat owners, better keep them under control!!!!!


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Ford did a 'pigeon' evil twin commercial too.


A bonus video for you electric car lovers

 

Age 60 may well be the new 40.

But the 100-dollar bill is now the new 10

 

 

 

I know where this exit sign is off I-26!

 

Engineers do not have to fix the crap they design, all they do is make the higher-ups happy with all the price increases they convince them to buy. Worse than politicians, they are!


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I was watching a dog chase his tail. It thought," how easily dogs are amused."
After watching him for about two minutes, I realized,,,,,;

I was watching a dog chase his tail.

 

He's protected because he has his mask on!!!

ALWAYS wear your COVID mask; ALWAYS! You never know when you'll be run over by a tank!

 

Does anyone know what kind/make of car that was? What an advertisement!!!

I was totally shocked this guy survived this assault. I hope the UN opens a war crimes commission because of this russian invasion.


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