.....maybe the gatekeeper can kindly explain the difference between gallows humor and pandemic humor ??

 

I did a cartwheel the other day
thinking it was just like riding a bike.


Its not

 

You know how when you by a bag of healthy salad it gets all brown and soggy?


Cookies don't do that.

 

Math Made Simple

If you have $20.00 and your wife has $5.00...
Then your wife has $25.00

 

I noticed two large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive.

I sure hope it's not terminal!

 

I sometimes ponder;
Do clouds ever look down on us and say, " that one looks like an idiot!"

 

Tools




DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that t smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE BUFFING WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, ''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut perfectly good sheet stock into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, nowadays the hammer is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, CDs and DVDs, liquids in
plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

 

In the dressing room the wife askes, " do I look fat?"
Husband, "Do I look stupid?"

 

Bar Stool Economics

Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'
'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too.
It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got' 'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

 

 

I'm getting the same face now that I can again post images.

 

FACTS TO PONDER:



Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(Calculation) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171 Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

Now think about this:



Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. (Calculation) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188

(Statistics courtesy of FBI.)

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

'Guns don't kill people like doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

 

Found this on Reddit.....

Thought it was a joke, but I guess to each his own.

What an abomination.

 

This cleaning with alcohol is pure BS.
Nothing gets done after the first bottle.

 

Toilet Paper Shortage?

WTH?
Back in my day, we had so much Toilet Paper, we used to throw it up into full gown trees!

 

At the age of 75 I have discovered there are two necessities in life
Coffee and Scotch


Coffee to change the things I can
and
Scotch to help accept the things I can't.

 

I don't always carry my groceries with just one are,
But, when I do,
My keys are always in the wrong pocket

 

After 7,000 years of believing in HIM,,,;
How God turned a man's rib into a loud speaker, ,,,,is still a mystery.