Get Out Of The Car
-NOW!






An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and,
upon returning to her car, found four males
in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceedingto scream at the top of her lungs,
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
Getout ofthe car- NOW!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded
to load her shopping bags into the back of the
car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then
she realized why.

It was for the same reason she hadwondered
whythere was a football, a Frisbee, and two
12-packsof beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked
four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her own car and drove
tothe police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't
stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the
counter,where four pale men were reporting a car
jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as
white,less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair,
and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a senior moment...
make it memorable!

 

An oldie but goody.

Wisdom from Grandpa...

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.


Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt he forgets his sugar.


Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she'll never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine's gonna work."

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders.

Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.



How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
And remember my motto:

pay the undertaker with a bad cheque...

 

 

68 years old but I shot my first turkey today....
Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section but,
IT WAS AWESOME!

 

Glad it wasn't your first deer and scare everyone at the petting zoo ......

 

Here's one,,, not a joke per se but a puzzle


You are driving your Crossfire in a heavy winter storm. As you come to a bus stop you see three people.


One is an old woman who looks like she is about to die out in the weather. Her thin coat is barely covering her shivering body. Soaking wet and coughing... pale as death. She needs immediate help , maybe even a doctor.


Two, you also recognize and old friend who once saved your life. He too is suffering from the brutal weather and you could return the favor a bit by rescuing him tonite.


The third person is obviously the woman, or man, of your dreams. You know instantly this is THE ONE and you will never have a chance to meet them ever again in such circumstances. You simply cannot pass up this one chance.


But;;;;
You're in your Crossfire. Only one seat left open..


WHAT DO YOU DO?


The Christian thing would be the old woman
The smart thing would be your best friend
The selfish thing would be the love of your life.




What to do,,, What , to,,, DO?














There is an answer.












































































Give up?




























Hand your keys to your friend, you can trust him to take the old woman to the hospital. Then sit down next to the love of your life and introduce yourself. If you are right, the storm won't matter.


If, on the other hand, you are wrong, your friend will be back to return the car and get you home.

 

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two ********.'
'What? He had two ********?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two ********.'

 

There is a new paint out called Blonde, not too bright and spreads easy.

 

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing so she called him on his cell phone.
The wife said " Where are you ?
He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace.
I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you? "
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.
He said...well I am in the pub next to that."

 

They say hearing is the 2nd thing to go with old age, I forget what the first is...
https://www.crossfireforum.org/forum...tml#post853521

 

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!
I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!
I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

 

 

I like it!

 

A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight on their frames live longer than the men who mention it.

 

LOL Stealing that one.

 

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places
get filledup.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to sleeping late now. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your bunk and shine some stuff. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not that bad, because there's warm water here. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "forced marches," which the platoon sergeant says is necessary to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "forced march" is about as
far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in big trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting awards for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and
it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with them boys back home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

 

Hahahaha, love it VALK

 

Farm Kid reminds me of basic training in San Antonio. Started in a typical South Texas July. Half of the group was from South Florida and the other half from Washington State.


Never finished anything outside, hikes, PT, obstacle course, anything,


Would get started in typical 95 degrees but no humidity. Go for about five minutes and the guys from Washington State would start keeling over and the exercise would be cancelled.


Real Floridians will understand.