Woman Remote Control
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Unfortunately whoever made this didn't know how to spell "whining". Oh well maybe one of you with photoshop skills can fix it??

 

 

Warning To Older Men.....some really great advice...

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking areas.
This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, "No", but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also May 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $1.25 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.


Be CAREFUL,, I can only hope !!!

 

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator…”

Some old men can still think fast!!

 

When it comes to math there are three groups of people;


Those that get it
And
Those that don't.

 

And there are 10 types of people when it comes to binary, those that understand it and those that don't.

 

I have no idea how to respond to that....
On another note,,,,


A PATIENT WAS COMPLAINING TO HIS DOCTOR ABOUT PE....


The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to ****.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

 

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up
and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS man wants to buy Mom."

 

Keep them comin', Franc, your're in true form 111 live them...Carl

 

YOUR PARROT IS DEAD, SENOR

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor ? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'
'Si, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made R580 XD golf club.'


SILENCE . .. . . . . .. . .

LONG SILENCE . . .. . . . . ....

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in big trouble!!'

 

Two old guys were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help.
He said,"Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.
Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves!
By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me."

 

WHEN I DIE, I WANT A CLOSED CASKET FUNERAL.


HOWEVER, AT THE END OF THE SERVICE, I WANT THE ORGANIST TO PLAY "POP GOES THE WEASAL" OVER AND OVER UNTIL EVERYONE IN ATTENDANCE IS STARING AT THE COFFIN IN PETREFIED SILENT, HORRIFIED, ANTICIPATION.

 

Oh, I like that a lot! Maybe I'll put in a request to be cremated, and have that done.

 

I though this one was very good. jim

A

lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th

birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious

hotel..

When she

checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a

bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so

high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms

aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I

didn't even have

breakfast!"

The clerk

told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and

breakfast had been included had she

wante...d it.

She insisted on speaking to the

Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk

clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool

and a huge conference center which are available for

use." "But I

didn't use them." ''Well, they are here,

and you could

have." He went on to

explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel

shows for which they were so famous. "We have the

best entertainers from all over the world performing

here." "But I

didn't go to any of those shows.." She

Pleaded.

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

was the reply.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she

replied,

"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager

countered with his

standard

response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the

Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and

gave it to

him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the

check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct" she replied "I charged

you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't sleep with you madam!"

said the manager

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could

have."!!(ˆ◡ˆ)¸.•´✿¨`*•✿

(ˆ◡ˆ)¸.•´✿¨`*•✿(ˆ◡ˆ)

 

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION


The doctor took husband Paul in first.

Paul was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to
check with the wife, Janie.

He took Janie to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the
other direction. Then he said - "Okay, good - you can get dressed now, and I
will talk to your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to Paul, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either."
__________________

 

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"

 

THE QUEEN AND THE DONALD......

A private jet arrives at Heathrow international airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.
The fart shakes the coach.
The smell is atrocious!
Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets.
I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought.
Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

 

Time for my annual HAPPY TURKEY DAY post . . .

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Street is neater in a beater!
I have been meaning to post this.

 

Had a conversation with my son today. Told me he was getting a CCW permit from the county Sheriff soon.


He hinted that he wanted a wheel gun for Christmas.


I told him he was probably wright. And that at the age of forty one, buying him another toy gun would be wheediculus.


I know this is the Joke forum but,,,, Sadly, we actually did have this conversation