No joke, but funny nonetheless.

 

An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.
He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
“No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”...

 

A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies," No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

 

Not funny anymore, they took it down.
But it was funny when I saw it at first.

 

I think I posted this one years ago but;


An 86 year-old man is out fishing. He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up!"
He looked around and did not see any one. He thought he was dreaming until he heard the voice again.
"Pick me up." The old man looked in the water and there, floating on a lilly pad was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog replied, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen. The Sex will be amazing. And,,,,;I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."


The man looked at the frog for a minute in confusion, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog screamed, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!"
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

So today at Walmart this little girl, she looked about three, she was sitting in her basket mean mugging me like I kicked her puppy. Being the "adult" that I am, I smiled and waved at her. This demon child rolled her eyes at me. So y'all know me, I'm not about to played by some bald headed demon spawn. So I walk over to the mom and ask her if I can give her some candy, the mom smiled and said sure. I told the little girl to put in her pocket and save it for later which she did. I walked away, headed to the manager and told him that little girl was stealing M&Ms. The manager thanked me, stating that he is so tired of these parents not controlling their kids. Manager walked over to them, asks them to empty their pockets. I then looked at the little girl and flipped her off and walked out the store like a boss.

 

Mean!....; BUT I LIKE IT! LOL

 

Cameras are useful in so many ways, like being there to capture these perfect moments of where the world seems to have play its own jokes on some hapless souls. These examples of hilarious irony are bound to give you a few laughs today!

 

Cameras are useful in so many ways, like being there to capture these perfect moments of where the world seems to have play its own jokes on some hapless souls. These examples of hilarious irony are bound to give you a few laughs today!

 

Took me awhile to grasp the "Best teacher" one.

 

??? I tried, really tried... I didn't get it, just a headache... ???




.

 

-----------------> ' <--------------

 

and an "e".

 

I was being subtle about it rather than obvious ...

 

That was your hint, an you're right.

 

DING! In school, I never did like 'English', no matter the number (pre 101, 102, and such). Probably why I'm not multi-lingual, as I have a hard enough time with 'English'.


Wanna bet you aint got nothing goin on like me do?








.

 

 

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:


-------------------------------------------------

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. *****-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. ********, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.
I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

-------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company

----------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of Numbers, Chapter 22, Verse 22, you will find that Balaam rode on his ***.
That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,

Patrick Finnegan.