Franc: Please listen...you really need help...LOL. Carl..Looking forward to "more" jokes at the April GTG!!

 

I think we're going to have to run over to his neck of the woods and board it up with padlocks too... and hope momentary Alzheimer's kicks in to get him there..

 

Year 1836

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo, and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis was already there, looking out over the top of the wall. James Bowie was sick in bed, but he was looking out the window. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards the Alamo.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Travis and said, "Jim, are we, by any chance, having any landscaping done today?"

 

Muslim leaders issue a fatwa against anyone living on MARS as there is 'no righteous reason' to be there

• Clerics in the UAE have deemed a colony on Mars as being un-Islamic
• They argue that trying to live there would be akin to committing suicide
• Killing oneself is strictly forbidden in Islam, according to the Quran
• The ruling came after Mars One announced a 2025 mission to Mars
• So far around 500 Saudis and Arabs have volunteered to take part in it

Read more: Muslim leaders issue a fatwa against anyone living on MARS as there is 'no righteous reason' to be there | Mail Online

=================

I know it is a serious news article, but really - is this not just funny as hell?

 

I wonder how much debate occurred before including this statement :
I would think that if one does not "remain alive", then one is no longer "vulnerable to death"

 

YOu are looking for clear logic in a "Fatwa"?

 

 

Over time I have observed human behavior and come to some simple truths.

Please note: if any of this fits you, paleeeeze......... do not consider them as a PERSONAL ATTACK.
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomachand say, "Congrats".
But none of them touches the man's ***** and says, "Good job".

Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the *******'s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.

BONUS TRUTH:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

AND THAT's THE TRUTH !!!!!

 

Two threads appeared at CrossfireForum


and I was sorry I could not post on both

and long I sat at my keyboard

I looked over one thread as well as I could

till it went off into random minutiae

and then looked at the other

and having perhaps more appealing visuals

because more top posters had appended it

yet still both threads had views about the same

And both that night seemed ready for a post

yet, with a heavy sigh,

though ages and posts both shall pass

I posted to the thread more disturbing

and that has made all the difference






Pretty good for a Pizzaguy in a DunceCap, Huh?

 

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bill. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

 

 

 

Franc, that's NOT a Glock.

WTH?

 

Hey, I didn't make that poster up. Just ran across it in the net.


It's a scene right out of "Burn Notice" the series, and frankly I am too interested in her to even notice the gun.


Which brings me to this burning question Max,.....Why are you looking at the gun?

 

I see all...and I'm getting old, I guess. Which brings me this joke about priorities:

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind." So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove. When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?" Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"


A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes........

 

Max, i wish I had a clever segway into this one but...
PLEASE don't blame the messenger. I'm only passing these thoughts on.

A Man's Random Thoughts:

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. If I did my engineering right, it should make the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

Still think you need a lot of help...but this is so ,so true...Franc, keep them commmming!! great stuff..XCarl

 

 

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.