Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

Perks of Being over 60:

• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
• No one expects you to run--anywhere.
• People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won't wear out.
• You think humor must be good for your body, exercise and diets haven't worked well.
• You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
• You can live without sex but not without glasses.
• You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
• You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You sing along with elevator music.
• Your eyes won't get much worse.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
• You know more about prescription drugs than you pharmacist
• You can't remember who sent you this list.
• My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
• Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
• It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
• These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

 

Senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.

The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.

You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."

Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot.

 

You know you're old when you have owned an album for 2 or more decades in 4 different formats:

In 1973 - 8-track tape.
In 1978 - vinyl
In 1985 - cassette tape.
In 1994 - CD.

 

Everyone seems to overlook 4 track tapes, very short lived, but I had one just prior to 8 tracks.

 

 

Awesome!

 

That chart a few posts ago left a bit out.


Been a while but sort of remember (very good about remembering WHAT but not WHEN) going from mono to stereo tape (reel-reel) around 1960. In mid-60s SOA was a V-15 type II cartridge that could reproduce the 30 cycle opening of 2001. For cars about 64 the 4 track cart came out then in 66 the 8 track. (Some had a rubber idler wheel that would melt, it would eat the tape, and you then had a 4 hour tear down and clean process).


Cassettes appeared about 1970 but lasted two decades until CDs in 1990. Today have about 500 albums on my phone.


And those are just for sound.


Think if we have a dig, can find in my garages recorders for nearly all of those formats. Some may work.

 

Audio CDs come out in the early '80s.
Video discs in the mid '70s.

 

Mini discs in the early 90's
I liked those, surprised they didn't hang around long.

 

Have some big (12'?) Video disks and a Toshiba player. Remember it skipped A Lot. Plus one or two top loader VHS players. Also a gaggle of short wave radios.


Humorous part is have all of this audio stuff including cases of vinyl plus both an AR and Dual players & have needed hearing aids since 1974.


ps have some mini CDs, is what the recess in a CD drive is for. Still get some with OBD-II dongles.

 

I did some mold work on the RCA and Disco-Vision video disks in the '70s. Later I did some audio CD work in the '80s.
We were testing the Disco-Vision mold and producing disks with recordings of "Animal House". The video tests always got a crowd around the TV even if the disk was not up to production standards.
The Disco-Vision disks are 11.88" diameter.
The photo shows three Disco-Vision disks and two stampers for audio CD's, the plastic is molded against a stamper which has the track burnt into it and the track get molded on the plastic.

 

Hal and his best friend grew up together but after college Hal moves to Boston, and his friend moves to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in South Carolina to play golf.

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch. "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the great bodies, and the tight shorts, and the legs ..."

"OK."

Ten years later at age 40 they meet and play again. "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."

"OK."

Ten years later at age 50 they meet and play again. "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 60 they meet and play again. "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price."

"OK"

At age 70 they meet and play again. "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."

"OK."

At age 80 they meet and play again. "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"




"We've never been there before."

 

Hilarious!! But sadly for me all true, except the coffee maker one, I don't sound anything like that.............. That I can remember.

 

This was funny! I saved it for future use.

Did I tell you this was funny!!

 

British Humor - Pub Chalkboard

 

TESCOS' HORSE


In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers.

Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are
“small amounts” of horse meat in their burgers.

Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK
Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained
30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet…

- “I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened!

- Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

- Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

- Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!

- Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ... I still have a bit between my teeth.

- A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.

- Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.

- "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF!"

- Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

- Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....

- "To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....

- A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?" Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

- I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

- These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....Talk about flogging a dead horse.

- At first I thought, “Oh great, I’ve been saddled with another email to forward, but something spurred me on.”

- Last night the wife made meatloaf, so I had dinner with two nags.

- Since they’re selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically a “Trojan Horse?”

- Instead of choosing “rare, medium or well done, it’s now Win, Place or Show”

 

Irony...............