This is for all of you "70 + year-olds", and those of you closing in on the "GoldenYears".
This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they
all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents
didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on
his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the
door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so
she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his
room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but
was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and
seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she
was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any
pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of
the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get
up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple
hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The
receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in
one leg of his boxer shorts.

 

Three Parachutes

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope and a small Mexican kid were on a plane. The plane was plummeting and was going to crash into a building. There were only 3 parachutes on board.
"I'm the greatest man here, I'll take a parachute" said Obama.
"I'm the smartest man here so I'll take a parachute" said Trump.
They both grabbed their parachutes and jumped out of the plane.
The Pope said to the young boy. "Go ahead son, take the last parachute".
The boy replied "It's alright, the smartest man in the world just took my school bag."

 

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful ta-tas that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

 

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and
unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try
her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
bent over to check out the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight
of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my
panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in Heaven", said God.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!

 

The 60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table . . . and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?

After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes.... yes I will!"

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say .Yes or did you say No? "Why you silly man, she replied, I said Yes. Yes I will! And I meant it with all my heart!" The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called, because, for the life of me, I couldn't remember who had asked.
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I laughed so hard , I shed a tear.... 5 mins. later, I found myself thinking, "just how, would I do that?

 

Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession in 1960.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the *****. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

The Flatula Backfire

 

The city's largest Charitable Organization realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

Then the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
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Works for me, I'll take a Dos XX please

 

 

I dunno George, just how many people will fit in the shower? And, dressed or not? Who will hold the soap??? Ha ha ha ha ha ha

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It's not important who HOLDS the soap, what matters is who DROPS the soap

 

I would be more worried about someone dropping the soap?