DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh*t!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need

 

Oh my god.......how true is that!

 

Valk-

Sorry, I just copy/pasted that whole thing to everyone in my address book.

Priceless.

 

Totally accurate! LMAO!

 

LOL Gary. I have a hacksaw just like that.

 

Haha! Thats great!

 

Soldering iron: a tool nominally used for attaching electronic components to various other metals not associated with what you are trying to repair. Can also be used for quick skin removal & creating air holes in pants when leaning over the tool.

 

LOL! I have a lot of these tools. But i don't have a garage so they usually end up in my neighbors yard.

 

Super Glue - used for attaching human body parts to other human body parts.
Diagonal side cutters - used for cutting & trimming various items but usually used if actual pliers cannot be found.
Solder - lead based flexible substance usually used with soldering iron. Can come in various sizes & with or without a molten metal flow assistant called flux. Has many uses but primarily found lumped-up in small ***** attached to items that cannot be soldered. Also has usage in clearing nostrils when being used directly beneath nose & inhaled.
Pipe wrench - used primarily for polishing pipes. Also useful for discovering exactly where toes are when dropped.
Adjustable wrench - see pliers.
Allen wrench - tool used for rounding out the insides of internal hexagon-shaped screw heads.
Torx wrench - tool used for rounding out the insides of internal star-shaped screw heads.
File - tool used for removing skin from hands or buffing toenails. Also useful for annoying people when dragged across hollow metal surface repeatedly.
Ice pick - useful for punching holes in various soft items but more likely found sticking out of various body parts in emergency rooms across the world.
20 megaton nuclear fusion device - usually seen as a weapon of mass destruction but useful for removing various tool manufacturers from face of Earth.

 

Expensive Calibrated Micrometer: Usually found being borrowed by a co-worker and being used as a C-clamp in a welding application.

 

Funny thing is that I use my 1/2 x 24 in screwdriver strictly as a pry bar.

 

LMAO- So true, so true!

 

Gary, this explains quite a lot.

But also opens many other questions...

 

...........................

 

ANGLE GRINDER- tool that removes metal from one object, heats it to its melting point and displaces it into an open orifice (eye, nose, mouth, ear) of the person operating it.