So on Valentines day a man buys his wife a high tech strobe light
her - "what's that for?"
him - "for the bedroom"
her - "why the bedroom?"
him - "because it will make it look like you are moving"

...and that's when the fight started.

 

Ok, time for a cheesy one and I apologize to those who have already heard/read it. I have my bullet-proof vest on.

A bear walks into a bar in Butte, Montana. The bear says, "Bartender, give me a beer!"

The bartender replies, "Sorry, we cannot serve beer to bears in Butte, Montana."

"FINE!" says the bear and he goes to the next bar.

"Bartender, give me a beer!" says the bear.

The bartender replies, "Sorry, we cannot serve beer to bears in Butte, Montana."

"Grumble, grumble, grumble" and the bears leaves the bar and goes to the next one.

The bear says, "BARTENDER! Give me beer! If you don't, I will eat that lady over there!"

The bartender replies, "Sorry, we cannot serve beer to bears in Butte, Montana."

The bear, disgruntled of course, goes over and eats the lady. He goes back to the bartender, "I TOLD you that I would eat that lady! Now, give me a beer!"

The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to druggies".

"WHAT???" says the bear.

The bartender replies, "Well that was a bar-bit*@-you-ate!"



I told you it was cheesy, but you still read it.

 

This is funny!!

 

Lover's Point

A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point", where they started making out.

After things started getting pretty hot, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her "Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" the blonde answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. He proceeded to get her shirt and bra off and things were getting hotter by the second.

So he asked again, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"

"NO!" she answers again.

Now he has his hand on her thigh and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.

"Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.

"NO!" the blonde answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!"

"Because I want to stay up here with you!"

 

Hopefully, this isn't too crass for readers.

Redneck Lovemaking


After the lovemaking:

The Italian says, "When I'vea finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy!"

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue. She floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy!"

The Redneck says, "That's nothing buddy. When I've finished doin it to my o’lady I get out of bed, walks over to the window and wipes my d**k on the curtains. She hits the f*****g roof!!!"

 

NOW NOW

Everyone should know by now I am not a professional Orthographer.

I leave that to the guys who brown nosed their teachers and paid attention in school.

And old duffers who take their waterpill every morning to pee.
(And Poise at night so they don't.)


Besides lasix is excellent therapy in the treatment for bugeye.



franc

 

I'm a Certified Public Accountant.

Here's my favorite accountant joke:
Question: What do accountants use for birth control?
Answer: Their personalities.

 

I'm a double degreed engineer by education. So here goes:

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."

 

Larry Humor

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, Larry?” “No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. “What's the matter,” asked Larry “Giving up?”

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?” Larry quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....”

 

HOW TO START A FIGHT


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute,
and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started.
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...

 

Gary:

These were great!

 

dedward and gary ftw! rotflmao.

 

Old people;
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Now this one is just too Precious! Two elderly ladies had been friends
for many
decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long
time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but
I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'


roadster with a stick

 

The CEO fired his accountant. He decided to see if other professionals could do the job. He interviewed several.He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."

The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I am glad that we discussed this important question.

The attorney scratched his head and said, "I think it's 4, but I can convince a jury of 12 people that it's something else."

The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"

The economist said, "It's four, but in a period of rising inflation it's worth less than that."

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice,


"What do you need it to be?"

 

Hopefully it has been long enough....

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play
with and the other you carry your groceries in.


Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has a hot date?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house.


Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
A: Because there are twenty of them.


Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10??
A: Two 5 year olds.


Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.


Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.


Q: What has 18 ***** and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.


Q: Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
A: Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.


Q: What's brown and often found in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

 

All in good fun, hopefully no offence....

Beer vs. Vagina

1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair
between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of VAGINA your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may
suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much
vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is
fun.
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One poin t to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it
settles down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark,
pilsner,ale,lager,etc
One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you
drink it
One point to BEER


20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks.
One Point to BEER

Final Score 11 BEER/ 8 VAGINA

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER

 

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick up your shovel, Mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, This is the promised land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel , taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

God help us.

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone
rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!'

roadster with a stick

BTW, that explains what was going on the other day.

 

You know some of us are unemployed,, I live in Ft. Lauderdale,, so yeaterday i went to apply for a job the job is for a " gynecologist assist, I got there about 9 am,, when i got up to the lady taking information, she said the job consist of getting the ladies ready for an exam and that i may have to help the ladies shave their pubic aera, she also said I would have to assist in the exam. she said to me do you mind going to Jacksonville( 400 miles away) i said is that where the job is ,,she said no ,that is the end of the line of people appling for the job. jim

 

My Kind of Doctor’s Advice!!!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages with fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.