Humor and Clean Jokes
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
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From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
Helga hung the wash out to dry and then went into town to pick up her dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hotter den hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street..
She passed a tavern and thought to herself, "Vy nodt?"
She walked in, and quietly took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up to her and said; " ...and what would you like to drink today?"
"Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice, "I don't usually go into za bars, but today I vill make an exception. It is zo hot, I tink I vill have myself a colt beah."She passed a tavern and thought to herself, "Vy nodt?"
She walked in, and quietly took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up to her and said; " ...and what would you like to drink today?"
The bartender smiled at Helga and asked; "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and said; "Vell it's fine tanks, und how's yur viener?"
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you."
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
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From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
That's too bad. We might have let you watch.
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Posts: 8,506
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From: St Louis MO
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 109
Likes: 0
From: Milton, Ontario, Canada
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
hahaha damn this is awesome. Made my day ! thank you for sharing 
An oldie but goodie.
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing as an Attorney.
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing as an Attorney.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
Actually, I have been kinda busy at work.
Yes, they have me doing real work at work.
Some retirement?
Last edited by Franc Rauscher; Nov 8, 2013 at 08:17 PM.
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Posts: 1,057
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From: myrtle beach, sc
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
180:..As i'm typing this, i am wiping the laughter tears from my eyes.. damn, that's funny stuff...thanks for sharing.( my daughter is a lawyer and she says this really does happen...Carl
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Posts: 1,057
Likes: 5
From: myrtle beach, sc
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
This joke thread pages is priceless...Here's my 3 1/2cents worth..." I don't smoke, drink or cuss"...damned if I didn't leave my cigarettes in the liquor store...
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 25,432
Likes: 648
From: Ontario
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
A new phenomenon called
E-MOONING
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ***
(__!__) a fat ***
(!) a tight ***
(_*_) an *** hole
{_!_} a swishy ***
(_o_) an *** that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ***
(_X_) leave my *** alone
(_zzz_) a tired ***
(_E=mc2_) a smart ***
(_$_) Money coming out of his ***
(_?_) Dumb ***
You have just been
means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ***
(__!__) a fat ***
(!) a tight ***
(_*_) an *** hole
{_!_} a swishy ***
(_o_) an *** that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ***
(_X_) leave my *** alone
(_zzz_) a tired ***
(_E=mc2_) a smart ***
(_$_) Money coming out of his ***
(_?_) Dumb ***
You have just been
e-mooned
Senior Member
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Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin’, sir."
"Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood up, put his rod away, and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth one today, sir!"
__________________
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin’, sir."
"Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood up, put his rod away, and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth one today, sir!"
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Posts: 18,121
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From: Aurora , ILL
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
Two boys are in the hospital waiting room.
One boy said to the other boy what are you here for ?
The other boy said I'm here for a circumcision...it wasn't done when I was born.
The other boy said WHOA !!!
I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year....LOL
One boy said to the other boy what are you here for ?
The other boy said I'm here for a circumcision...it wasn't done when I was born.
The other boy said WHOA !!!
I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year....LOL
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 5,742
Likes: 99
From: Sierra Vista, Arizona
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
Q. What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 Congressmen in a room?
A. A room full of people who don't do d*ck!
A. A room full of people who don't do d*ck!
Last edited by tighed1; Nov 16, 2013 at 12:50 AM.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
One could ask the President the importance of a period,. And then there is this:
The class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, however, knowing that he could be a bit crude at times, but eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and Uncle Bob suddenly left town."
The class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, however, knowing that he could be a bit crude at times, but eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and Uncle Bob suddenly left town."
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
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From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. It was the first day of class, and the teacher told them now that they were in grade school, the rule is, "No baby talk!"
You need to use "Big People" words, she told them.
So with that clear, she began by asking John (not Johnny!) what he had done over summer vacation.
"We went to visit my Nana," he said.
"No," the teacher replied, "you went to visit your grandmother. No baby talk! Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Michelle what she had done over vacation.
"We took a ride on a choo-choo!" she replied.
"No," she said. "You took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the ****"-
__________________
You need to use "Big People" words, she told them.
So with that clear, she began by asking John (not Johnny!) what he had done over summer vacation.
"We went to visit my Nana," he said.
"No," the teacher replied, "you went to visit your grandmother. No baby talk! Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Michelle what she had done over vacation.
"We took a ride on a choo-choo!" she replied.
"No," she said. "You took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the ****"-
__________________
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 787
Likes: 1
From: Boise, ID
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. It was the first day of class, and the teacher told them now that they were in grade school, the rule is, "No baby talk!"
You need to use "Big People" words, she told them.
So with that clear, she began by asking John (not Johnny!) what he had done over summer vacation.
"We went to visit my Nana," he said.
"No," the teacher replied, "you went to visit your grandmother. No baby talk! Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Michelle what she had done over vacation.
"We took a ride on a choo-choo!" she replied.
"No," she said. "You took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the ****"-
__________________
You need to use "Big People" words, she told them.
So with that clear, she began by asking John (not Johnny!) what he had done over summer vacation.
"We went to visit my Nana," he said.
"No," the teacher replied, "you went to visit your grandmother. No baby talk! Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Michelle what she had done over vacation.
"We took a ride on a choo-choo!" she replied.
"No," she said. "You took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the ****"-
__________________
Stealing this one!
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relativesOn December 24 in 25 minutes.
Men Are Just Happier People
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relativesOn December 24 in 25 minutes.
Men Are Just Happier People
Senior Member
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 2,152
Likes: 37
From: Orlando
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
re: Yugos
a) A Yugo was a step up from a Trabant.
b) Which Bond film had a Trabant and how was it started ?
c) Many Trabants were abandoned at borders when the Berlin wall fell.
d) Yugo was also a step up from a Subaru 360 ( "The Most Unsafe Car in America"- CR
e) Without the Subaru 360 we would not have had the Bricklin.
f) What film featured a Bricklin, the Los Angeles river, and a Helicopter ?
f) Without the Bricklin, Yugo's would not have been imported
Which brings us full circle.
Ready for Lucas jokes ?
a) A Yugo was a step up from a Trabant.
b) Which Bond film had a Trabant and how was it started ?
c) Many Trabants were abandoned at borders when the Berlin wall fell.
d) Yugo was also a step up from a Subaru 360 ( "The Most Unsafe Car in America"- CR
e) Without the Subaru 360 we would not have had the Bricklin.
f) What film featured a Bricklin, the Los Angeles river, and a Helicopter ?
f) Without the Bricklin, Yugo's would not have been imported
Which brings us full circle.
Ready for Lucas jokes ?