Humor and Clean Jokes
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
When a new neighbor moved in across the street, I couldn't help but notice. She's gorgeous! She's young, she's single, she's petite, and she has the most beautiful blonde hair you can imagine.
I noticed when she got home from work this evening. She was looking particularly hot.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door, and I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am feeling kinda randy,,, ya know! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!"
I did my best to keep my cool. "Really," I said.
"Yes," she answered. "So... are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free. I have no plans at all!"
"Good!" she said. "In that case, could you babysit my kids?"
Man... it's just no fun getting old!
I noticed when she got home from work this evening. She was looking particularly hot.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door, and I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am feeling kinda randy,,, ya know! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!"
I did my best to keep my cool. "Really," I said.
"Yes," she answered. "So... are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free. I have no plans at all!"
"Good!" she said. "In that case, could you babysit my kids?"
Man... it's just no fun getting old!
Last edited by Franc Rauscher; Aug 28, 2013 at 05:46 PM.
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 25,432
Likes: 648
From: Ontario
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
Zen Teachings
1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact,
just **** off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air.
It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3.No one is listening until you fart.
4.Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5.Never test the depth of the water with both feet..
6.If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead,
try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes.. That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day..
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug;
Some days you are the wind screen.
13.. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ...
and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.
Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking,
you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18.. Experience is something you don't get until. . .
just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry,
and get slapped on our *** ... then,
things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative - on the same night.
1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact,
just **** off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air.
It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3.No one is listening until you fart.
4.Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5.Never test the depth of the water with both feet..
6.If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead,
try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes.. That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day..
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug;
Some days you are the wind screen.
13.. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ...
and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.
Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking,
you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18.. Experience is something you don't get until. . .
just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry,
and get slapped on our *** ... then,
things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative - on the same night.
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 209
Likes: 0
From: seattle
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
A guy traveling
through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of
his identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way
home but was stopped
by the U.S. Customs Agent at the
border.
"May I see your
identification, please?" asked the
agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost
my wallet," replied the
guy..
"Sure buddy, I hear
that every day. No ID, no entry," said the
agent.
"But I can prove I'm
an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a
picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed
on one side of my butt
and George Bush on the
other."
"This I gotta see,"
replied the agent.
With that, the guy
dropped his pants and showed the agent his
behind.
"By golly, you're
right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe
trip back to Chicago
."
"Thanks!" he said.
"But how did you know I was from Chicago
?"
The agent replied, "I
recognized Obama in the
middle.
through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of
his identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way
home but was stopped
by the U.S. Customs Agent at the
border.
"May I see your
identification, please?" asked the
agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost
my wallet," replied the
guy..
"Sure buddy, I hear
that every day. No ID, no entry," said the
agent.
"But I can prove I'm
an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a
picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed
on one side of my butt
and George Bush on the
other."
"This I gotta see,"
replied the agent.
With that, the guy
dropped his pants and showed the agent his
behind.
"By golly, you're
right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe
trip back to Chicago
."
"Thanks!" he said.
"But how did you know I was from Chicago
?"
The agent replied, "I
recognized Obama in the
middle.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
Doctors' Assessment of the ACA
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package-
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ******** in Washington.
__________________
Why am I in this basket and where are we going?
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package-
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ******** in Washington.
__________________
Why am I in this basket and where are we going?
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 12,780
Likes: 184
From: Lineville, AL
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
My CRS ( can't remember S**T ) is getting so bad that I changed all my computer passwords to 'incorrect'.
Now when I forget, the computer tells me :
"Your password is incorrect"
Now when I forget, the computer tells me :
"Your password is incorrect"
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
Now that is so appropriate and so damm funny , I dailed 411 and asked them to send paramedics to help me stop laughing. I guess they didn't take me serious cause the B@stards never showed up.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
She was standing in the kitchen preparing our usual soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake she turned to me and said softly 'You've got to make love to me this very moment'
My eye lit as I thought 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day. Not wanting to lose the moment I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said 'Thanks' and returned to the stove her 'T' shirt still up around her neck.
Happy but a little puzzled, I asked 'What was that all about?"
She explained "'The egg timer's broken"'
__________________
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband
and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years,
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes
and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through
a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position
that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits
and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had “charged” him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
“If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often,
but push the wrong button and your butt is disconnected!
and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years,
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes
and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through
a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position
that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits
and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had “charged” him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
“If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often,
but push the wrong button and your butt is disconnected!
Last edited by Franc Rauscher; Nov 7, 2013 at 09:08 AM.
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 25,432
Likes: 648
From: Ontario
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
An oldie but goodie.
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing as an Attorney.
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing as an Attorney.
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 25,432
Likes: 648
From: Ontario
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
Old jokes but some I have not seen before.
What makes a Yugo go faster?
A tow truck.
Why do Yugos have a rear window defroster?
So you can keep your hands warm while you're pushing it.
A man goes into an auto parts store and asks, "Can you give me a cigarette lighter for my Yugo?"
"Sure, sounds like a fair trade to me."
What is the difference between a Yugo and AIDS?
You can still palm AIDS off to someone else.
What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire?
A write-off.
What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A miracle.
What do you call the Yugo owner's manual?
The bus timetable.
How can you double the worth of a Yugo?
By filling its gasoline tank.
What is the smallest part of a Yugo?
The owners brain.
What do you call someone who buys a secondhand Yugo?
A scrap dealer.
What does a Yugo buyer do to look sophisticated?
Wears dark glasses.
How do you tell the Yugo buyer from all the other people with dark glasses?
Their the ones with the white sticks.
Why do they give away free TVs with Yugos?
So you've got something to do while waiting for the mechanic to come and fix it.
What do you call a Yugo with twin exhausts?
A wheelbarrow.
What is the difference between a Yugo and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 360 yards.
What makes a Yugo go faster?
A tow truck.
Why do Yugos have a rear window defroster?
So you can keep your hands warm while you're pushing it.
A man goes into an auto parts store and asks, "Can you give me a cigarette lighter for my Yugo?"
"Sure, sounds like a fair trade to me."
What is the difference between a Yugo and AIDS?
You can still palm AIDS off to someone else.
What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire?
A write-off.
What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A miracle.
What do you call the Yugo owner's manual?
The bus timetable.
How can you double the worth of a Yugo?
By filling its gasoline tank.
What is the smallest part of a Yugo?
The owners brain.
What do you call someone who buys a secondhand Yugo?
A scrap dealer.
What does a Yugo buyer do to look sophisticated?
Wears dark glasses.
How do you tell the Yugo buyer from all the other people with dark glasses?
Their the ones with the white sticks.
Why do they give away free TVs with Yugos?
So you've got something to do while waiting for the mechanic to come and fix it.
What do you call a Yugo with twin exhausts?
A wheelbarrow.
What is the difference between a Yugo and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 360 yards.
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 25,432
Likes: 648
From: Ontario
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. ...What was the third child's name?
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt Everest was discovered, ....what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ....How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?
8. What was the President's Name...in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Here are the Answers
1. Johnny's mother had three children. Thefirst child was named April The second child was named May. What wasthe third child's name?
Answer: Johnny of course
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.
3. Before Mt Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You 're not very good at this are you?]
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. What was the President's Name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ....]
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big haystack !
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt Everest was discovered, ....what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ....How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?
8. What was the President's Name...in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Here are the Answers
1. Johnny's mother had three children. Thefirst child was named April The second child was named May. What wasthe third child's name?
Answer: Johnny of course
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.
3. Before Mt Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You 're not very good at this are you?]
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. What was the President's Name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ....]
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big haystack !
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
A man is at home alone watching the football game when his wife gets home. She is looking especially nice, and there's a look about her that catches his eye. Besides: half-time had just started, so he muted the TV and gave her his full attention.
"Darling," she says, have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"
Not sure if there's some sort of joke -- or maybe some seduction -- starting, the man plays along. "Well, no," he says.
She gives him a sexy seductive little smile, unbuttons the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reaches down into the cleavage created by a sexy, lacy, silky push-up bra, and pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar note.
He takes the crumpled bill and looks up to see what's next.
"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asks.
"No, I can't say that I have," he replies, playing along and warming to this little game.
She gives him another sexy, secretive, knowing little smile, slowly pulls up her tight little skirt higher and higher, and seductively reaches into her tight, sheer panties, and pulls out a crumpled fifty dollar note.
He takes the crumpled bill and is really looking forward to the next step is this fun little game.
"Now darling," she says, "have you ever seen 50 thousand dollars all crumpled up?"
"I sure haven't!" he says, turning off the TV.
"Well," she says, "have a look in the garage...."
"Darling," she says, have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"
Not sure if there's some sort of joke -- or maybe some seduction -- starting, the man plays along. "Well, no," he says.
She gives him a sexy seductive little smile, unbuttons the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reaches down into the cleavage created by a sexy, lacy, silky push-up bra, and pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar note.
He takes the crumpled bill and looks up to see what's next.
"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asks.
"No, I can't say that I have," he replies, playing along and warming to this little game.
She gives him another sexy, secretive, knowing little smile, slowly pulls up her tight little skirt higher and higher, and seductively reaches into her tight, sheer panties, and pulls out a crumpled fifty dollar note.
He takes the crumpled bill and is really looking forward to the next step is this fun little game.
"Now darling," she says, "have you ever seen 50 thousand dollars all crumpled up?"
"I sure haven't!" he says, turning off the TV.
"Well," she says, "have a look in the garage...."
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
In a morning Bible study, a group of women were studying how to live
in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How
many of you love your husbands?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband
you loved him?"
A few women answered today, some said yesterday, and some didn't remember.
The women were then asked to take their phones and send the text
message, "I love you, sweetheart."
After a few minutes, the women were asked to exchange phones and read
aloud the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Uh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!!???
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she?
__________________
in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How
many of you love your husbands?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband
you loved him?"
A few women answered today, some said yesterday, and some didn't remember.
The women were then asked to take their phones and send the text
message, "I love you, sweetheart."
After a few minutes, the women were asked to exchange phones and read
aloud the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Uh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!!???
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she?
__________________
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
