In my mind, I am 25 years old.

My body thinks my mind is an idiot.


SO....

When does "you're old enough to know better" kick in?

 

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.​

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover, She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.
The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said,"I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much,
The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and being a man, he decided to marry the one with the biggest *****..

 

Marrieds are asleep in their Timber Mountain Home 200 miles
from the Ocean and the cell phone rings at 2 A.M.
The wife checks her 14 Pro, listens for some minutes and asks
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?"
Well, shortly she breaks off the conversation,

So the wife's half-drunk husband, who's sleep has been disturbed asks,
"Who the hell was that?"
Well, says the wife,
"I don't know, some young woman was wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

 

 

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your ***** was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new *****. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite counter tops."

 

 

Every year my kids (grandkids) send letters to Santa.

they always ask for the unusual stuff, a bicycle, a video game, or a toy. And always they start out reminding Santa how good they have been.

My Five year old, going on sixteen, has been a high spirited handful all year. Her response..

Dear Santa,

I can explain.....

 

the wife said she missed me.

Normaly that would be okay.
But,

she's reloading.

 

I have a red laser light I use on my neighbor's blinds.
Their cats have trashed three sets of them.

Am I evil???


You bet I am
Heh, Heh

 

If you want to get her something for Christmas she will never forget, don't get jewelry or perfume, or even a new car..

Get her a mop.

Trust me on this.


MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYS AND GALS

 

 

 

I may not have, as yet, lost all my marbles
But,

at my age

I'm pretty sure there is a hole somewhere in the bag.

 

Commas are important.
No more tequila.
No, more tequila.

 

Commas ARE very important!

Let's eat, gramdpa!

Let's eat grandpa!

 

Steve lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present, and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Doug, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Kelly, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Kevin, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."

"Cathy, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Steve slips away, the nurse says, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."

The wife replies, "The ******* had a paper route."

 

 

Sometimes, there is just not enough coffee, or middle fingers, to get thru the day.