Humor and Clean Jokes
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
Just got this one froma friend. Had to steal it and bring it here!
You just have to love some Officers.
I'm thinkin' Oledoc2U was the cop! Sounds like him.
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~
You just have to love some Officers.
I'm thinkin' Oledoc2U was the cop! Sounds like him.
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
One can easily tell which bear country you are in by the scat.
In Black bear country it contains berries and seeds
In grizzly country, along with berries and seeds, it contains little bells.
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 109
Likes: 0
From: Milton, Ontario, Canada
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
I've got a million of 'em:
A young guy from Iowa moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in South Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Iowa, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.........'"
A young guy from Iowa moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in South Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Iowa, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.........'"
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind Woman! Last night, when I asked for one, you told me to go fly a kite.'
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind Woman! Last night, when I asked for one, you told me to go fly a kite.'
Last edited by Franc Rauscher; Apr 24, 2013 at 04:26 PM.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
You're in the picture? Where?
Senior Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 8,014
Likes: 14
From: MOFN, AL, 70 miles from George
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up . One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties .
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it . This is one ferocious lion . He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history . Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun . Who wants to try out
first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first . " She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage . The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her . About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body .
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles . He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet .
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor . He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life . " He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies,
"No problem, just get that damm lion out of there"
__________________
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it . This is one ferocious lion . He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history . Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun . Who wants to try out
first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first . " She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage . The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her . About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body .
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles . He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet .
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor . He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life . " He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies,
"No problem, just get that damm lion out of there"
__________________
Last edited by Franc Rauscher; May 16, 2013 at 04:23 PM.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the
sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the
same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can
also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the
resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........
The pastor called on him and the little boy said,
"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours
you are supposed to call the doctor."
sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the
same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can
also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the
resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........
The pastor called on him and the little boy said,
"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours
you are supposed to call the doctor."
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 25,432
Likes: 648
From: Ontario
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't
understand it. Here you a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years. I
thought he was talking about money!"
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't
understand it. Here you a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years. I
thought he was talking about money!"
Last edited by Franc Rauscher; Jun 1, 2013 at 06:57 PM.
Senior Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,927
Likes: 26
From: Spacecoast, Florida
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,506
Likes: 1,139
From: St Louis MO
Re: The Forum Joke thread...
from an Irish Sunday School Teacher
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?
' NO! ' the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was ' NO!
If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me to heaven?
Again, they all answered 'NO!
I was bursting with pride for them. I continued 'Then how can I get into heaven?
A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...."
It's a curious race, the Irish
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?
' NO! ' the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was ' NO!
If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me to heaven?
Again, they all answered 'NO!
I was bursting with pride for them. I continued 'Then how can I get into heaven?
A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...."
It's a curious race, the Irish