Smart!

 

A patrol officer pulls over a woman and approaches her car and speaks to her through her open window:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying son of a B!tch told you I was speeding too.

__________________

 

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.

He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

...

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pick-up truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed... "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"

Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.""
Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"....

 

Walking each day can add minutes to your life. So if you walk everyday it adds up. Do it all of your life.

This enables you to spend and additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 a month.



It is never too late to start this. My Grandpa started walking when he was 60 years old.
He in now 97 and we don't know where he is.


As for me, I like long walks.Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me!

 

I joined a health club last year. Good looking fella convinced me to sign up and get fit. So I forked over $400 bucks.
One year later I haven''t lost a pound. So I complained to the management.

Apparently, you have to go there.

 

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said ... "Son, I know you are from Frisco and all educated and such but, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwing' our sheep ... they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order.

 

The problem with exercise is that everytime I hear the word I find myself with an irresistable urge to wash my mouth out with chocolate.

 

Walking would help my flabby thighs but why bother? when I sit in my lazyboy, the folds of my stomach completely cover them.

Besides, the only advantage to a slim figure at my age is when I die of a heart attack on the running trail, everyone will say, "well, he does look good doesn't he?"

 

 

That is sooooo bad!

Speaking of such,,,,,,

INCIDENT AT THE PICKLE FACTORY
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his ***** in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his ***** in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact *****. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

 

Teacher asks the kids in class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b!tch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Mary?"

"I wanna be Johnny's b!tch!"

 

I decided to quit the gym today. Not only does one have to go there to get any success, they make you do stuff that is,,,,,, exhausting.

I've come to realize ,,,At my age,,,,,,I am exhausted enough just getting my old butt over the hill.

 

NO Speak English

A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.




On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. After five minutes of failure and unable to find a way to communicate this, she ran home and grabbed her husband and brought him to the store...


(Please scroll down.)












What were you Thinking?Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

 

Hilarious! Must steal this one...

 

Go ahead Evan,,,,I did.

 

Now that I have quit the gym my friends are offering alternative suggestions for excercise.

Joggin is out,,IT's Winter!

One suggested I could take advantage of that and try cross country skiing. To which I reponded "I don't want to go to an expensive ski resort to excercise."

He siad, "It's winter all over the USA man!"

To which I responded,,,,"geez, how about we start with a smaller country, like say the Vatican"

 

A precious little girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner, "Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms and leans forward to say....

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

At a Wisconsin wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the
one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death,
but is expected to survive.

 

 

I'm not sure if I put this on here before.
But .....
Punography