So, Farrah Fawcett shows up at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks up, smiles, and says "Hold on for a moment, ma'am."

He picks up a cell phone, hits a button and says to the person on the other end, "Yeah, she's here." and hangs up.

Seconds later, God himself pops His head from the clouds above to shake her hand.

"Hi! I just wanted to say, I've always been a big fan. I still have the swimsuit poster. You know, I don't usually do this, but for you I will grant you one wish."

Farrah thinks for a moment and then says, "I just want all of the children in the world to be safe."

*pop* Michael Jackson appears at her side.

They died the same day, you know. And she went first... by several hours. (This is not to say how it happened...It’s just a theory!

 

Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as
drunk as it’s possible to get ?

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be
good Samaritans and take him home. First they stand
him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where
he lives, but he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car,
each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four
times getting him to the door. His wife comes to the
door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband
home."




The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair"?

 

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'



Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.


I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" were not the correct answers.


A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '


I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change'
I said 'Nope! You’re still Black'


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead
Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you??
The boy replies No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment.


I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself "I’m having that!"


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I??
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back Ya canna kid me ya flash *******. You’re in that feckin basket.


I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
The answer I should have given was Fiji.

 

I don't know if it is true or false but ........

Carnation Milk 65 Years Ago ...This is PRICELESS

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said, 'Carnation' LOVED your entry so much! We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'

CARNATION MILK IS BEST OF ALL.
NO TEATS TO PULL NO HAY TO HAUL
NO BUCKETS TO WASH NO **** TO PITCH
JUST POKE A HOLE IN THE SON OF A B!TCH!

 

Another view on dairy products:

Officials Confiscate Breast Milk Ice Cream

'Baby Gaga' intended to make people think, says shop owner



By Kevin Spak, Newser Staff



Posted Mar 1, 2011 10:30 AM CST


Digg Fark LinkedIn StumbleUpon
Delicious Google Buzz Reddit Yahoo Buzz
(Newser) – Ever wondered what human breast milk would taste like in a delicious frozen snack? Well, you're going to have to keep on wondering, because local government officials have confiscated a London shop's supply of "Baby Gaga" ice cream, after two complaints from the public, the AP reports. The Westminister City Council says it's waiting for guidance from Britain's Food Standards Agency on whether it's okay to sell edibles made from other people's bodily fluids. It's also testing the ice cream to address health concerns.
The shop’s founder says he doesn’t know of any law against breast milk ice cream. Though several diseases can pass through breast milk, he believes his stock, which is tested and pasteurized, may be safer than normal milk. "People who are lactose intolerant have tried it and had no problems," he tells Aol News. Besides, the titillating treat was mainly designed as food for thought. "It raises the philosophical question: Is it better if we use milk from cows injected with hormones … or human milk?"





I KNOW THIS IS A JOKE THREAD, AND THESE GUYS ARE SERIOUS. BUT, IT IS STILL FUNNY.



roadster with a stick

 

My grandma told me about this when I was a youngun'. I would say it's true.

 

Sorry to ruin your day.
snopes.com: Carnation Slogan Contest

 

Franc, we can always rely on you to keep us abreast of the breaking news.

 

I don't know about you, but I found that article rather titillating.

 

This just in off the wires,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



Muslim Brotherhood Muslim Brotherhood


This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continues meddling in Egypt they intend to cut off Americas supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell , AT&T and AOL customer service reps .

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more Presidents.


It is gonna get ugly people.

 

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:


~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering When you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
chimp on fire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers Are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your *** kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel
gode.

In reference to the last line:

Considering some of the posts I've seen here, there are some MASSIVE parties happening!

 

Larry Griswold comedy act on Sinatra show 1951. Brilliant.

YouTube - larry griswold

 

Intoxicated on TV. My, my, my.

What kind of CNN coverage do you suppose he would get these days? That act might even make them forget Charlie Sheen. At least for a while!

Lewis and Martin would be banished!

 

A man and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
> an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
> husband a long open mouthed kiss and says to him, "I'll see you later".
>
> "Who the hell was that?" says the wife.
>
>
> "That was my mistress." says the husband.
>
>
> "I want a divorce!" says the wife, "This is the last straw! I've had
> enough."
>
>
> The husband says, "Alright! You'll get your divorce. but just remember
> this:
> there will be no more winters in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
> no more shopping trips to Paris, no more Mercedes in the garage, and no
> more Yacht Club, etc. etc. But the decision is yours!"
>
>
> Just then, a friend of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
> young
> woman on his arm.
>
>
> "Who's that woman with Marvin?" says the wife.
>
>
> "That's his mistress", says the husband.
>
>
> "Ours is much prettier," says the wife.
>

 

Dog Food Diet
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

 

I'm still laughing.....that's a good one...

 

A Big Woman In A Hillbilly Bar

A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Erath, Louisiana. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out der will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar was Billy Bob, a skinny little Cajun, who was VERY drunk. Billy Bob slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a drink!"

Thibo, the bartender, a close friend of Billy Bobs', poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them revealing her hair armpit, and asked, "What man out der will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, Billy Bob slammed his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina annuder drink!"

Thibo finally approached Billy Bob and said, "Mah frien', I know its your bidness of course, if you want to buy dat lady a drink, but how come you keep callin' her a Ballerina?"

Billy Bob replied, "Thibo...to me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high, gotta be a Ballerina!"

 

My Blackberry isn't working...

My Blackberry Is Not Working

 

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never
stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels
insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things
he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She
will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the
most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive and invincible..............
No wait...sorry. I'm thinking of
whiskey. It’s whiskey that does all that ****.
I'm spending my birthday evening with an 18 year old
Single malt all the way baby.
Cathy will be there too. Somebody has to cover me up when I fall asleep on the couch.
roadster with a stick

 

A stranger was seated next to a girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk... I've heard that flights to quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" as he smiled.

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff-- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hrmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"