I am no cook but I can follow the directions which said to let the bird chill in the sink for a few hours.

So I did......

 

 

 

Life is all about ***...

YOU ARE
EITHER COVERING IT
LAUGHING IT OFF
KICKING IT
KISSING IT
BUSTING IT
TRYING TO GET
A PIECE OF IT
OR
BEHAVING LIKE ONE...


OR
YOU LIVE WITH ONE!!!

 

 

An old guy was walking along a lake, when a frog looks up and says, "Hey Buddy, can you do me a favor?".

The old guy looks down in disbelief, and the frog says, "Yeah, you. Can you do me a favor? You see, I'm not really a frog. I was a beautiful princess, but a wicked ogre turned me into this frog. If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a princess."

The old guy looks dubious, so the frog says, "If you do that for me, I'll spend the next week with you in bed, and I assure you that you'll never forget it."

The old guy stands for a few seconds, then he stoops over and picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and heads for home. So the frog sticks her head up out of his pocket and asks, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? You have to give me a kiss! I'll turn into a beautiful sexcrazed princess just for you!"

The old guy says "Yup. I heard ya. But at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

Two admirals, one Navy and one Coast Guard, were arguing about which service had the most guts. The Navy guy took
the Coastie to a ship sitting in dry dock, saw a seaman painting the anchor chain, and ordered him to jump over the
side. The seaman saluted and promptly jumped over the side, falling 80 feet to the bottom of the dry dock. The captain said,
"See. That's good old Navy guts for you!"

The Coastie admiral wasn't impressed and took them over to the Coast Guard base and onto a buoy tender sitting at the
dock. The admiral looked around and saw a second class Boatswains Mate painting clear up at the top of the radar
mast. The admiral yelled up, "Hey Boats! Jump down here right now!" The Boatswains Mate looked down and yelled,
"JUMP down there?" "That's right, jump down here right now!" The Boats looked again, and then yelled, "***** you,
Admiral!!"

The Coastie turned to his Navy buddy and said, "Now that takes guts!!"

 

 

Good one Franc

 

What is a tell tale sign that your girlfiriend has gained weight?










When she can start to wear some of your wife's clothes.

 

Then there was this very old woman who said to her friend..."I didn't wear earrings for a very long time and the holes closed...now I'm worried about my vagina...

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my ********* black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my ********* black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his *********, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his ********* gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

Taken from local flyer:

 

FP ....ha ha ha ha

 

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with
their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.



He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
- 'An ambulance just drove by!'
- 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
- 'Jason is on his skate board!'
- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
- Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!
- Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'



















-'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too!'

 

 

^^^^ And A&E has a fit over Duck Dynasty..

 

Today I was beaten up by this woman...








I was on the elevator this morning minding my own business

when this lovely girl entered.


She said , "Would you please press 1..?"



So I did.

 

 

This reminds me of something my Mother in law did, she saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm glad I'm Scottish". My MIL wrote underneath that "and I'm glad I'm not".
She had problems with her own MIL who was Scottish.
This was out of character as she was always the refined lady.