Don't forget "Rekon what THAT light means ?"

 

Last words= I saw this in a cartoon once, it should work!

 

More realistic last words, "Hold my beer and watch this ****!"

 

 

Franc,

I'm using that!

 

Good one franc !!!!

 

The joke is on me! When I down loaded a photo I down loaded all my photos!

 

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best
linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

The final challenge put to him was this: "Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand."

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are
COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

 

I GOT THIS POST FROM A FRIEND ON ANOTHER FORUM.

TITLED "FOR MY RETIRED FRIENDS"

A few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to send it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"?

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the license agency and wear my Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap.

See you guys at Walmart!!

 

I was wearing a hat that said AIR FORCE on it when I went to pick up a water pump. I've not been in any branch of the military but I like the hat and besides, my dad was Air Force till the day we buried him at Ft Sam, and my future son in-law is Air Force stationed at Moody AFB, so I felt okay to wear it. Anyway on my way out a young man, about 30ish (possibly military by his deportment) tells me "thank you for your service". It took me by surprise so I muttered a thank you as I walked out.


BEWARE the power of the hat...lol

 

Hats are easy. It is being in the right commissary that is hard.

 

The wife just asked me what I was doing on the computer, I said "Looking for cheap flights" She got very excited and said "Oh honey, what a pleasant surpirse. I love you; it's going to be your lucky night toniight."

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in Darts before!!!

 

The only cow in a small town in Alabama stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Stoughton, Wisconsin, for $2,000.00.

They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Wisconsin."

 

 

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag. "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running"

 

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."




While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room The walls Closed , and the boy and his father watched the small
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous
24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ..


"Go get your mother..."

 

Travel plans, where I've been and where I'm going.
> > Enjoy the journey with me...
> >
> > I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently,
> > you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
> >
> > I've also have never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you
> > there.
> >
> > I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to
> > be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children,
> > friends, family and work.
> >
> > I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
> > much on physical activity anymore.
> >
> > I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to
> > visit there too often.
> >
> > I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand
> > firm.
> >
> > Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting
> > older.
> > One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the
> > adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the
> > stimuli I can get!
> >
> > I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was
> > in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
> >
> > PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
> > You can do your bit by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one
> > unstable person. My job is done!
> >
> > Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.
> >
> > So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! Well, that
> > forgiveness part is up to you!!!

 

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the
first woman as President of the United States.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her
father in Milwaukee and asks, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my
inauguration?

"I don't think so. It's a long drive; your mom isn't as young
as she used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is
acting up in my knee."

"Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll send Air Force One or another
support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine
will pick you up at your door," she said.

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your
mother wear?"

"Oh, Dad," she replied, "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown
custom-made by one of the best designers in New York ."

"Honey," Dad complained, "You know we can't eat those rich foods
you and your friends like to eat."

The President-elect responded, "Don't worry, Dad. The entire
affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. And I'll
ensure your meals are salt-free. Dad, I really want you to come."

So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 20, 2024
arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United
States.

The parents of the new President are seated in the front row.
The President's dad sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and
leans over and whispers, "You see that woman up there with her hand
on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispered in reply, "Yes, sir, I sure do."

Dad says proudly,

"Her brother played football for the Packers".

 

A man is walking home one night when he spots a woman in the shadows.

"Quick fun just $20" she whispers seductively as he gets to her.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell? It's been awhile, he's running early, and it's only $20.
So he steps into the bushes with her and very soon, they're going at it.
Suddenly a light flashes on them -- it's a cop.
"What's going on here?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know.
"Well," said the man, "neither did I.


"But then, you shined that light in her face."