An obvious AU grad...


Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in

the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front

of an old green John Deere tractor.


Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off

the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his

shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall

down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt . Then, grabbing

both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt

underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body,

and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.



Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you

doing, Billy Bob?"



"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously

embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately

in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested...



I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

 

President's Day

While out eating lunch recently, I overheard a conversation between a mother and her young son.
"What is tomorrow?" she asked him.
"It's President's Day," the boy replied
"What does that mean?" she asked.
The boy paused thoughtfully for a moment, and responded, "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment and stupidity."


I almost snorted my iced tea.

 

THE OSTRICH


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same,"

says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please."

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night,

so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change

out of his pocket and places it on the table..

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up

with the exact change in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a

Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my

hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll

always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,

the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

 

So a man and his wife were discussing vacation plans.
She asked him if she should get a two piece swimsuit or an all in one.
"Well," he said glancing up and down her body " I think you would look just fine in a two piece."
Accepting the compliment she coyly smiled.
"Besides," he continued, " I don't think you could fit all that in just one piece."

And that's when the fight started

 

Hilarious, Franc... forwarded to many!

 

It's a long one but one of my favorites.

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing
a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said
Goodbye to my family... You've got to send me back straight away".

St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this
Strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are
you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out
from under his tail.


An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better
of him as he experienced Motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and
he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had
happened to him...ever!! !

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt
an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Brian, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're sh!tting in the bed."

 

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "He's been working with glue too much."

14. "He would argue with a signpost."

15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

27. "One neuron short of a synapse."

28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

 

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!


All I need to know
I learned from the Easter Bunny!

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.
Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
May the joy of the season fill your heart.

Happy Easter!

 

Try the Seether version. As one comment says "They totally take the gay out of it" : )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO5S993KSao

 

No, it was the link to watching online movies that did it. Then I checked the username against the database on stopforumspam.com and it returned a flurry of reports. I'm admin of our forum at work and I ban half a dozen or more spammers every day, usually before they get a chance to post. I get an email whenever someone new signs up on the forum and there are certain tell tales in the information passed along to me initially.

So, in this case, the jokes on them!!

Now, in keeping with the spirit of this thread (and so as not to totally jack it), I present the following:


Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to Miami. After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them', the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have', explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here', the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows', complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have', the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir', he says, 'this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct', says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!', exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad', the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

 

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
I beg to differ because, there is:

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are ... "COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!

 

Just saw a new martini called the Bin Laden.

2 shots and a splash.

 

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly
alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS),
then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!


'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'


( you'll love this...)



At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Texas, Colorado, Illinois, Indiana, Florida, Nebraska, Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and All of Washington DC.

 

 

5 PEARLS OF SCOTTISH WISDOM.




1. Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes
Benz than it is on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the *******'s name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

 

Rules for Bedroom Golf

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two *****.

Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the ***** out of the hole.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.

 

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women from the local college skinny-dipping in his pond.

He said "hi" so as not to scare them and make them aware of his presence and they all swam over to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out of this pond until after you leave."

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked....'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some dirty old men can still think pretty fast.

 

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: "So how is my cat doing?"

Brother 2: "He's Dead"

Brother 1: "He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke the news to me easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground."

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

 

EURO-ENGLISH

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Unionrather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboard! kan have one less letter.. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away..

By the 4th yer peple wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl rite styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

 

Thats good Valk, made me smile