After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

Growing up, I finally realized,,,
Talking didn't bother the fish.
Truth be told,
Grandpa just wanted me to shut the hell up!

 

The cattle suggest Demark, and most of the Netherland's windmills are offshore. That said, there are no Live Oak trees in the background so I'm sayin' it ain't Texas.

 

 

Faith can move mountains.

So, from time to time when need arises, pray.

However, do not be surprised if God hands you a shovel

 

A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."
the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."
the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll
handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, 'first class isn't going to Toronto."

 

F me
Now that was really funny

 

The brain is a most amazing organ.

It works before you are born.
It works 365 days a year
It works 24 hours whether you are awake or sleeping.
It never stops working,,,,;




.....until your first erection

 

Having a teenager is like living in a haunted house.
You see something out of the corner of you eye,
you hear moaning,.....
.....and then a door slams

 

I remember when I was young, pulling an all nighter was easy and fun.


Now an all nighter just means I didn't have to get up in the middle of the night to pee.

 

It has been hot outside. Next week they predict 5 to 8 days over 100 F degree.

Thank goodness it is not snowing.

Imagine shoveling snow in this heat!!!!

 

So, Mildred was the town gossip. Anybody did anything she thought immoral or wrong, everybody heard about it. She complained about my lawn, my house needed paint and my 27 year old truck was a junk heap. a menace to other drivers. Didn't matter what I did, she bitched about it.
This went on for years.

Recently, she saw my old truck in front of the local bar for several hours. No big deal as everybody knows my truck.

She told the whole town I was a worthless drunk. She scolded me in front of the neighbors. I was pretty mad about it. However, I said nothing.

Just walked away.

Last night I parked my old Dodge in front of Mildred's house.
Walked away and left it there all night.

I can't wait 'til morning.

 

 

Humorous factoid.

You know that sock you lost in the dryer? It often returns as a Tupper ware lid in your kitchen that doesn't fit any of the containers in your kitchen.

 

 

• Jun 14, 2021

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• #15

 

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' licence plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally ......
I assumed you had stolen the car.''

 

I was folding my third load of laundry this morning,
I hate laundry work.
And was considering life as a nudist.

But then I realized, at 75 years of age, how I look naked ,,,

and continued folding.

 

 

Yes, the rich & powerful are rarely prosecuted for their crimes. They don't even make much effort to hide it anymore.