I called five different Florists about tile and now, suddenly, I'm the idiot!

 

Every generation is arrogant. But,,,;
If you want to frighten the "NEW" generation of today,,,;


Put them in a closed room with

A rotary phone
An analog watch
A Black and white TV with no remote pad

Then give them Directions,,,,


Written in CURSIVE!

 

.


Franc, please do not call a gynecologist about a vasectomy, ok?


.

 

I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting once.

Found out it is a big lie.

Hell, I knew everyone there

 

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it....









I probably should have told her about the electric fence.

 

 

Today's tip.

Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

 

 

 

An Obituary printed in the London Times....


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long
ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:


- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.


Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).


His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing
regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.


Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.


It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.


Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.


Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.


Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.
She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.


Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.


He is survived by his 5 stepchildren;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

 

 



 

People say playing the Stock Market is just a gamble.

I beg to differ.

When I lose money at the Casino, they bring me free drinks.

 

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."


The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to
a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he
called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.

He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a
response. Finally, he prints out a 150 -page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have
exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into
his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a government consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here
although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap
about my business.

Now, if you don't mind, give me back my dog."

 

They confiscated a rubber band gun in my son's math class today.

Authorities determined it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

Echo, echo... Ha! I clicked on the 'x's... Worked fine. LOL


.

 

 

Almost laughable