It was the end of the day and the teachers said, " I have one more experiment for the class."

Then she took four classes. She filled on e with beer, one with mineral water, one with whisky and one with wine.
After , she placeda worm in each glass. And dismissed theclass.

The next morning the kids came in and observed the glasses. In the beer the worm was dead. The worms in both the wine and whisky were also dead.

However, the worm in the water was just fine.

"Can anyone tell me what we learned from that," she asked?

Dead silence. But after a moment a bright lad raised his hand and stood up.

Proudly he gave his answer, "If you drink wine, beer or whisky, you won't get worms."

 

My Car Keys.

They weren't in my pockets.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. I have a bad habit of leaving them, not in the ignition, but on the floor driver's side. It's a bad habit I learned growing up in a small town back in the 50's where nobody worried about car theft and always left keys in the ignition or on the floor. The wife scolds me all the time for it.

Frantically I headed for the parking lot. It was "EMPTY!"

Damn!

I called the police right away. Told them where I was, And, that the car was stolen. I described the car and plate number and answered " Yes, I had left the keys in the car."

That call was easy compared to the next call I had to make.

"Honey, my car was stolen."

Silence. A long one. I thought she had hung up.

"You fool, are you kidding me?" she said, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent...
"Well,,,; then ?" I asked, "can you pick me up?"

"Yes dear, just as soon as I convince this officer I didn't steal your car!"


Golden years? Yeah they're great.

 

Back in 1785, John Adams was appointed as the first American ambassador to Great Britain. This was right after the revolutionary war.

One night at a party with the Prime Minister's residence they had a large banquet with dozens of people including Adams. Americans weren't very popular in England at that time.

After dinner Adams asked his host the prime minister where the privy was. He pointed to a small out building in the rear of the large house.

When Adams entered he noticed a large picture on the wall of George Washington, meant as an insult to Washington.

When Adams returned to the party, the prime minister asked Adam if he happened to notice the large portrait of Washington. Adams said yes I did. The prime minister asked him what he thought. Adams said he fully agreed with the portrait and found it to be very appropriate and offered other compliments.

The stunned prime minister seemed to be confused with Adams answer. He asked him if he found it insulting to George Washington and Adams said no not at all, I find it very efficient.

EFFICIENT said the prime minister, what do you mean?

Adams replied that it's been his experience that nothing will scare the **** out of an Englishmen quicker than the very sight of General George Washington.

 

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do.”

A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says... “Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense.”

 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again'?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you ****ing retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it.....wrong.

 

 

 

Along the progression of these key blanks, my 02 Camaro, the round one works for the doors/hatch, the squared one for the iggy. BTW, Iggy key has the resistor chip for the PATS II (Passkey Anti Theft System II) system. The 02 Camaro was included in its application since it is the 98-02 Camaro line and it used the same system in which my 02 was built in 2001 CY for the 02 Model year (GM PassKey and PassLock overview — Ricks Free Auto Repair Advice Ricks Free Auto Repair Advice | Automotive Repair Tips and How-To)


.

 

When a man says he will do anything for a woman,
he means fight bad guys and dragons.

He does not mean do dishes and vacuum.

 

This is hilarious

https://www.hagerty.com/media/advice...-steal-my-914/

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I took my friend to the emergency room yesterday. Ugh!!


Yesterday was not a good day at all. Jim decided to go horseback riding, to ease the boredom... something he hasn't done in a while. It turned out to be a big mistake! He got on the horse and started out fine. Nice and slow, but then he went a little faster.

Before he knew it, he was going as fast as the horse could go. He couldn't take the pace and fell off.
He caught his foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging him.
It wouldn't stop. He hit his head, banged up his back and elbow pretty good, and tore his shirt.

Thank goodness the kind manager at Market Basket came out and unplugged the machine.
But he had the nerve to take the rest of my friend's change so he wouldn't ride the Elephant or Motorcycle.
He was also banned from the Merry-go-round. The nerve!

 

GROWING OLD IN A COUNTRY YOU NO LONGER RECOGNIZE.


...................... "I was born with nothing and I have most of it left."

 

I just filled my gas tank for $22.

Granted it was for my lawnmower.

But,
I'm trying to stay positive.

 

If ever you feel powerless, just remember, a single one of your pubic hairs can entirely shut down a restaurant.

 

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."