No comment about who's fault it is but, for the last two years my "small" business is booming.

And that, is no joke.

BTW, No illegals work for me. period. It's against the law.

 

 

A man, 75-year-old Earl, walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my johnson,” he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised.

The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” Earl said.

The receptionist replied, “Now you have caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.” He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” Earl stated loudly.

The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice. “What is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t pee out of it,” he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

Ain't this the truth.

 

[QUOTE=onehundred80;929602]Ain't this the truth.
[/QUO


I like that!

And I can relate.






TE]

 

My Wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)

Judy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

The day after his wifedisappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables. "We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.



"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked. The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O’ Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."


The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’ Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 18 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."............Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"



The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.

In a state of shock, the bookie went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won.

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.

Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!'

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

"You are not Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish"

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing, and last rites"

 

 

Not a joke really, but not worth it's own thread, either.

There will be NO confusion as to which of the almost 100 Wifi signas here is mine. (I had it changed from it's default "ATTq2fierePI" less than ten minutes after the guy left. Sometimes, a little I.T. knowledge is fun to have........)

 

FBI surveillance van #4
Is always good lol

 

No Joke here. If you text and drive the joke is on you!


Re: Lessons in Life

Here's a very serious lesson.

 

 

"I'm at the car dealership tryna buy a car
With a credit score of 220,what can I get?"

THE HELL OFF THE LOT!.

 

Umm,

 

HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, we must make him pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."


__________________

 

A guy from Denver reads an ad that says...” Local Gynecological Practice seeking an Associate who will be assisting patients in reducing apprehension prior to the exam. Duties will include assisting in disrobing and applying essential oils in a 10 minute massage.”

So he calls the listed number and spends a few minutes detailing how his experience would make him a prime candidate, listing his Diversity and Awareness Care training he received during his Marine Corps enlistment.

She said his background is sufficient to warrant an interview and gave him the address to report to. He responded by saying, “the ad said the job is in Denver. Why do I have to go to Cheyenne.?

She replied, “that’s where the end of the line is”

 

I wanted to watch the world Origami Championship on TV today.

However it was only on paper view.

 

 

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

__________________