Humor and Clean Jokes
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,495
Likes: 1,117
From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
Two men are sitting at a bar. One says to the other, "You look familiar ".
The second says. "You do too".
The first asks, "Were are you from?"
The second answers, "Akron"
The first responds, "Really, I am too!"
So, the second man asks, "Where did you go to school? "
The first responds " St Marys"
The second is dumbfounded, " That is amazing, I went there too! What street did you live on?
The first answers "Oak"
The second acknowledges he lived on the same street. The two are laughing ang hugging one another when a 3rd man walks in.
The third man asks the bartender how things are going.
The bartender responds, " It is going to be a long night. The Murphy twins are drunk again."
The second says. "You do too".
The first asks, "Were are you from?"
The second answers, "Akron"
The first responds, "Really, I am too!"
So, the second man asks, "Where did you go to school? "
The first responds " St Marys"
The second is dumbfounded, " That is amazing, I went there too! What street did you live on?
The first answers "Oak"
The second acknowledges he lived on the same street. The two are laughing ang hugging one another when a 3rd man walks in.
The third man asks the bartender how things are going.
The bartender responds, " It is going to be a long night. The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 8,469
Likes: 841
From: Upstate SC
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me" He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 8,469
Likes: 841
From: Upstate SC
College Football - Really!
Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.
How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, " Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?"
If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week. The other half can dress themselves.
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How do you get a former UCLA football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.
How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, " Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?"
If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.
How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week. The other half can dress themselves.
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How do you get a former UCLA football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 8,469
Likes: 841
From: Upstate SC
College Football Famous Quotes
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football"- John Heisman
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." – Bear Bryant / Alabama
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” - Knute Rockne / NotreDame
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any."– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern
“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Notre Dame
"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney /Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts / Georgia
"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." – Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
" Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan /Auburn
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me" He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was; "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC
" If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” - Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." - Darrell Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." – Bear Bryant / Alabama
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” - Knute Rockne / NotreDame
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any."– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern
“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Notre Dame
"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney /Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts / Georgia
"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." – Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
" Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan /Auburn
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me" He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was; "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC
" If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” - Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." - Darrell Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
Last edited by dedwards0323; Mar 29, 2022 at 08:37 AM.
Senior Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 8,469
Likes: 841
From: Upstate SC
Little Old Lady from Kansas
Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol Officer:
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---her body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.
She did admit to also having a 9 mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she had just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what she was so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a frickin’ thing!"
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---her body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.
She did admit to also having a 9 mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she had just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what she was so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a frickin’ thing!"
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Joined: May 2019
Posts: 756
Likes: 138
From: Alabama
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
It's like I'm a really high-mileage 1962 still in daily use, and all the mechanics who were factory-trained to provide service are now dead or retired. So it's like, "Yeah buddy, nobody can make those old things run right anymore."