Humor and Clean Jokes
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,504
Likes: 1,135
From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
GLORIOUS INSULTS!
"He had delusions of adequacy. "
~Walter Kerr~
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
~Winston Churchill~
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
~ Clarence Darrow~
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
~William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)~
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
~Moses Hadas~
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
~Mark Twain~
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
~Oscar Wilde~
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "
~George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill~
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
~Winston Churchill, in response~
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
~Stephen Bishop~
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
~John Bright~
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
~Irvin S. Cobb~
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
~Samuel Johnson~
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
~Paul Keating~
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
~Charles, Count Talleyrand~
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
~Forrest Tucker~
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
~Mark Twain~
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
~Mae West~
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
~Oscar Wilde~
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. "
~Andrew Lang (1844-1912)~
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
~Billy Wilder~
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
~Groucho Marx~Â Â
"He had delusions of adequacy. "
~Walter Kerr~
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
~Winston Churchill~
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
~ Clarence Darrow~
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
~William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)~
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
~Moses Hadas~
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
~Mark Twain~
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
~Oscar Wilde~
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "
~George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill~
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
~Winston Churchill, in response~
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
~Stephen Bishop~
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
~John Bright~
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
~Irvin S. Cobb~
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
~Samuel Johnson~
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
~Paul Keating~
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
~Charles, Count Talleyrand~
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
~Forrest Tucker~
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
~Mark Twain~
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
~Mae West~
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
~Oscar Wilde~
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. "
~Andrew Lang (1844-1912)~
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
~Billy Wilder~
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
~Groucho Marx~Â Â
Really? 
Administrator / Senior Member / Retired
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,102
Likes: 1,593
From: Aurora , ILL
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
THE TEXT MESSAGE SENT:
Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been
trying to get the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around, in fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff
drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he then saw he has a second message from his neighbor in voice mail....
THE SECOND MESSAGE: (VOICE MAIL)
Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed 'WiFi' to 'Wife.'
Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan.
Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been
trying to get the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around, in fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff
drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he then saw he has a second message from his neighbor in voice mail....
THE SECOND MESSAGE: (VOICE MAIL)
Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed 'WiFi' to 'Wife.'
Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan.
Administrator / Senior Member / Retired
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,102
Likes: 1,593
From: Aurora , ILL
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
**The location of your mailbox shows you
how far away from your house you can be in a robe,
before you start looking like a mental patient.
**My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon
and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.
**I wonder what the job application is like at Hooters..
do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"?
**The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked
"What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the **** storm that's coming.
**On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is upsetting news to me ... I had no idea I was Japanese.
**When I die I want to be reincarnated as a big spider.
Just so I can finally hear a women say: "Oh, my God, it's huge!"
how far away from your house you can be in a robe,
before you start looking like a mental patient.
**My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon
and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.
**I wonder what the job application is like at Hooters..
do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"?
**The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked
"What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the **** storm that's coming.
**On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is upsetting news to me ... I had no idea I was Japanese.
**When I die I want to be reincarnated as a big spider.
Just so I can finally hear a women say: "Oh, my God, it's huge!"
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,504
Likes: 1,135
From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
Husband was talking to his wife, "The guys at the club were saying the mailman on our street has slept with every wife except one."
To which she replied, " I'll bet it's Paula."
To which she replied, " I'll bet it's Paula."
