Humor and Clean Jokes
Administrator / Senior Member / Retired
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,129
Likes: 1,612
From: Aurora , ILL
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
THE TEXT MESSAGE SENT:
Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around, in fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff
drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he then saw he has a second message from his neighbor in voice mail....
THE SECOND MESSAGE: (VOICE MAIL)
Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed 'WiFi' to 'Wife.'
Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan.
Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around, in fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff
drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he then saw he has a second message from his neighbor in voice mail....
THE SECOND MESSAGE: (VOICE MAIL)
Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed 'WiFi' to 'Wife.'
Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan.
Administrator / Senior Member / Retired
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,129
Likes: 1,612
From: Aurora , ILL
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
**The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
**My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.
**I wonder what the job application is like at Hooters..do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"?
**The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shlt storm that's coming.
**On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is upsetting news to me ... I had no idea I was Japanese.
**When I die I want to be reincarnated as a big spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say: "Oh, my God, it's huge!"
**My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.
**I wonder what the job application is like at Hooters..do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"?
**The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shlt storm that's coming.
**On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is upsetting news to me ... I had no idea I was Japanese.
**When I die I want to be reincarnated as a big spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say: "Oh, my God, it's huge!"
Last edited by Valk; Oct 12, 2025 at 01:30 PM.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,512
Likes: 1,151
From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
I was at the cemetery today placing some lovely, fresh flowers on the grave of a longtime friend.
As I began to leave, a woman walked up and asked, "Hey there, how are you doing today?"
I said, "Oh sh*t, you can actually see me?"
She screamed frantically and ran away.
As I began to leave, a woman walked up and asked, "Hey there, how are you doing today?"
I said, "Oh sh*t, you can actually see me?"
She screamed frantically and ran away.
Last edited by Franc Rauscher; Oct 18, 2025 at 05:05 PM.
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,512
Likes: 1,151
From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
I was walking down the street one day when this little old man approached me. He said he was God. He said since you lead such a good life I will grant you one wish. Anything you want I am God I can do anything.
So I said I have family in Scotland and Im tired of flying and dealing with the hassle. I want a bridge from NY to Edinburgh so I can drive there. On the bridge I want a hotel, casino, 4 star restaurant, and fishing pier. so my trip will be pleasant.
God replied are you kidding me! Do you have any idea how much steel and concrete thats going to need. Then there are the unions they will want extra money. Then we need permits form the EPA Dept of Interior and every damn agency in tow countries. They will have to be bribed as well. It will take years to build. Cant you pick something more reasonable?
So I said youre God you said you can do anything. He responded, Dont **** me off sonny. I said well since you put it that way OK
I would like you to give me the wisdom, knowledge, and insight, so I can understand what women want, what makes them happy how do their minda work?
God thought for long minute then he said
Would you like 2 lanes or 4 on your bridge?
So I said I have family in Scotland and Im tired of flying and dealing with the hassle. I want a bridge from NY to Edinburgh so I can drive there. On the bridge I want a hotel, casino, 4 star restaurant, and fishing pier. so my trip will be pleasant.
God replied are you kidding me! Do you have any idea how much steel and concrete thats going to need. Then there are the unions they will want extra money. Then we need permits form the EPA Dept of Interior and every damn agency in tow countries. They will have to be bribed as well. It will take years to build. Cant you pick something more reasonable?
So I said youre God you said you can do anything. He responded, Dont **** me off sonny. I said well since you put it that way OK
I would like you to give me the wisdom, knowledge, and insight, so I can understand what women want, what makes them happy how do their minda work?
God thought for long minute then he said
Would you like 2 lanes or 4 on your bridge?
Senior Member
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,512
Likes: 1,151
From: St Louis MO
Re: Humor and Clean Jokes
Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
She whispers, "Twenty dollars."
He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what the hell, it's only
twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a while when all of a
sudden a light
flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I until you shined that light in her
face.."
She whispers, "Twenty dollars."
He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what the hell, it's only
twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a while when all of a
sudden a light
flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I until you shined that light in her
face.."
I would BLEND UP that damn thing quick! 
