Final Exam

At Clemson, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to the Clemson campus until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

After listening to their story, the professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They stayed up late and studied that night for the exam.

The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy, easy, easy....then they turned the page. On the second page was written.....

For 95 points:


Which tire?____________ .

 

.........................................

[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJIiktwuLbk[/media]

 

 

4 Non Blondes - What's Up (What's going on)
Obviously a remix

 

Can you believe it …. they sent my Census form back!

 

Wow wish you had posted your answer before maybe most of our members would have done the same thing ,,,I would have if over 100,000 people( from all the car forums) send in the same answer. now that would be funny jim

 

Not a joke but very entertaining.....

[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKZqGJONH68&feature=player_embedded[/media]

 

Story from
a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer :





I made a traffic
stop on an elderly lady the other day for
speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker
73 just East of Sedan, KS. I
asked for her driver's license, registration,
and proof of insurance. The lady
took out the required information and handed it
to me. In with the cards I was somewhat
surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she
had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and
ask if she had a weapon in her possession at
this time

She responded that she
indeed had a .45 automatic in her
glove box. Something---body
language, or the way she said it---made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did
admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her
center console. Now I had to ask one more time
if that was all. She responded once again that
she did have just one more, a .38 special in her
purse. I then asked her what she was so afraid
of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a frickin thing!"

 

PARAPROSDOKIANS...
I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:'
I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

 

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed amost unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss,and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who's in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"May I borrow your dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

Cheap Sex
A Florida couple; both well into their 80’s go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?
The doctor raises both eyebrows but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking him for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says,'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you two have intercourse.'
The doctor charges them $50 and wishes them good luck and.
The next week, the same couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask, just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for only $50, plus my Medicare covers $43 of it,
Leaving me a net cost of $7.

 

Lady ask man at counter if he preferred paper are plastic, he replies, does not matter, I"m bag sexual

 

I think we have found the Colonel!
KFC.jpg

 

He is much younger looking than I would have imagined.

 

This thread has been quiet for too long. For you Star Wars fans, here are the forgotten action figures:

aunt_beru.jpg

 

Originally Posted by onehundred80
Can you believe it …. they sent my Census form back!In response to the question: "Do you have any dependants?" I replied - "2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crack heads; 4.4 million unemployable people, 901 thousand people in over 85 prisons; and 565 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Who did I miss ?

you missed these! ( they are our dependants )

Salary of retired US Presidents ............. $180,000 FOR LIFE ------------------This is stupid!
Salary of House/Senate ..............................$174,000 FOR LIFE ---------This is stupid!
Salary of Speaker of the House ............. $223,500 FOR LIFE ----------This is stupid!
Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders ... $193,400 FOR LIFE ------This is stupid!

and think about this!

Average Salary of a teacher .................. $55,350
Average Hospital Worker Salaries................... $37,000
Average Salary of Soldier in Afghanistan .......... $38,000

I think we found where the cuts should be made! If you agree... RE-POST

 

ALSO did you know, that if any of these Senators Etc. have held multiple positions in their political career, they get MULIPLE pensions. NOW THAT IS STUPID.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/v/LuVPnW0s3Vo...s=1&autoplay=1

http://www.youtube.com/v/gBnvGS4u3F0...s=1&autoplay=1

http://www.youtube.com/v/mgCIKGIYJ1A...s=1&autoplay=1


The legendary 'letters to the council' funny quotes extracts.

funny insurance claims forms statements, gaffes and funny quotes

funny family fortunes answers, real amusing answers from the family fortunes quiz game show

 

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!" The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills." The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra." The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth