Max, It took a while for me to get it. But then I'm not from Wisconsin.

 

At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “”What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the USG Southard Plant and every so often they send us a 100 lb bag of plaster, if we pay the freight."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete *****."

 

 

Ftranc... Where do you get these jokes? You must have an endless supply...thanks for sharing...Carl

 

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. He was bone tired from a tough day and a nap on the way home was just what he needed.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

The man sitting next to her had enough, He just wanted to nap on the way home and this gal wasn't gonna let him with her yap yapping. So, he leaned over and said, ever so softly, into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer

 

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a
tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was
her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only
to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step.
Once
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and
again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She
went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How<BR>dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled
and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after
you unzipped my fly three times, I kind 'a figured we was friends

 

The guy approached a beautiful looking woman in a mall and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the mall. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
__________________

 

Why is it always the Vette guys who bend metal?

 

What you get for trying to drive from the passenger seat.

 

Oh Come on,,,,
My wife does that all the time and I have yet to bend metal

 

One day Ken decided to retire…

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank.”

“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. ” I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. ” On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.” So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.”

“Would you like a drink?”

“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”

“Oh, it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
“I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,












“You’ve built a Harley?”

 

Waiting for part II - The Ride!

 

I know some of you younger members of the family probably don't remember these, but the rest of us might!

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares these questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

1. Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

2. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

3. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

4. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

5. Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

6. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

7. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

8. Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

9. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

10. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

11. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

12. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

13. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

14. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A . Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

15. Q. Can boys join the CampFire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

16. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

17. Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

18. Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

19.Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

20. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

21. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

22. Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

23. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

24. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

 

 

In respect for this example, leaning toward the 21st:

99% of all women close their eyes while kissing.

This is why identifying rapists is so difficult.

BOOOOOOOOO........

 

The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota, but twenty years
later a North Dakotan invented the hole in it.
------------------------------------------------

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he
immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not
going down dere yust for 50 cents.'
-------------------------------------

THAT'S HER!

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police
line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted,
'Yep, dat's her!'

--------------------------------
VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and
returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us
$400' said the first Norwegian.

'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve
didn't catch any more.'

-------------------------------------


THE RELATIONS

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was
89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and
Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. 'Lena , vat ever
happened tew our sex relations?' He asked.

'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,' replied Lena . 'I don't tink ve
even got a card from dem last Christmas.'
-------------------------------------

MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later,
Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How
come?' asked Lars.

'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.
-------------------------------

HONEYMOON


On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole
put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go
farther than that if you vant to. So Ole drove to Dulute.
-------------------------------

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the
streets of the little town of Alexandria, Minnesota . The policeman,
who was a good friend of Ole's said,'Ole...What in the world are you
doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked.'

'Yah, I know,' said Ole. 'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy'
Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Der vas
boys and girls.'

'Is that right?', his policeman friend asked.

'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the
bedroom! 'So vee all go into the bedroom....where den he yells,
'Everybody git naked!' 'Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells,
'Everybody go to town!'

I guess I'm the first one here!

 

Max,,,yer' mind is so twisted....I like it

 

And he does those Norwegian / Swedish accents so well in person, you'd think he came from Wisconsin or something.

 

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots ? he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and your knot getting your money back.